As i am sitting in a car making one last stop before i head back to Munich i feel like i can’t breathe and no this isn’t the typicall “oh i don’t wanna go back to work” mood it literally feels like a panick attack.
I never really felt this way about a place or a city, however i feel that way about people all the time. What makes me wonder is, do i feel this way about Munich because of the people in my life? Do toxic people destroy the love i have for the city because i automatically connect the city to the people? Does anyone has any similar experience?
I feel like i don’t belong there, there like i am constantly trying to fit in without success. I don’t like who i am becoming there, i have never been more lonely in my life even though my circle of people keeps growing. I am working so much and so hard that i forgot how to live, i forgot that i am spending the best year of my life, my youth at work, turning into a lifeless robot.
Why don’t i just quit? Because life in Munich is pretty expensive, i live alone i pay everything by myself and i am gonna be honest it’s still not enough, not with a full sallary and another over the weekend job. So as i am just slightly managing to survive i am forgetting that i could die tomorrow and that the life isn’t about paying bills (which you should definately do) but it’s not the most important thing. We shouldn’t be living to pay bills.
If i don’t like it there why don’t i just go? I never said i’m gonna stay in Munich. But i am not legal for a long time, i was still in school, i needed to get on my own feet, i needed to give the city a chance.
And i did, oh boy over and over again and don’t get me wrong, Munich is one of the most beautiful cities in the world but i never experienced anything so remarkable and so breathtaking or anything that made me really feel alive there. I met so many people, some of them are the bestest friends i could ever have and that was a blessing and something that i am so grateful for.
So i decided i’m gonna explore my options, maybe find some other job, maybe quit the second job, maybe find another city, maybe another country, maybe i’ll go work over the summer, maybe i’ll go back home to Croatia. I don’t know i have endless options that i need to study and find whats best for ME and well of course my cats.
If you experienced anything similar please let me know, i believe people can always help eachother.