Monster In my bed

I have been lacking the inspiration lately, but i’ve been reflecting and hearing different stories and decided i’ll go fully public about this. Neverthless who’s gonna read it. Because this is why i started this blog, to reach people through my own experiences.

Around 3 and a half years ago i’ve ended a 2 and a half years long relationship. When i met this person i was 17, it was the most random encounter and because of the circumstances under which we have met, it still makes me believe that it was meant to be for me to learn the lessons that i learned through him.

I am not gonna go through the timeline of how it started and to what has our relationship come at the end. What I am gonna talk about is emotional and mental manipulation, sexual abuse, mental abuse, control and how to deal with the aftermath.

Let me start with the fact that our break up wasn’t bad, no, not at all, i have never felt more fierce and in control that i did the day i ended it, what was bad was the whole relationship and no i’m not gonna get sentimentality into this and say we have had good moments, because all of the good moments were just the aftermath of him trying to make up for what he has done.

The relationship started with me finding out he has been dealing cocaine and also taking it, what ended up him threatening me with a knife because i tried to prevent the fight he almost got into with 3 guys who were 5 times bigger than him. I should have left at that very moment, i didn’t. Why? Because my 17 year old self believed i can fix him. What followed next were many breakdowns and tears from his side promising he is gonna change and he needs help, so how do you leave someone who is asking you for help, little did i know it’s gonna be a burden i’ll carry on my whole entire life. For you to understand the evolution of our relationship i’ll write few random points without much detail just so you can create a picture for yourself of what i believed was normal in a relationship.

– if i talked to his friends in his presence he would just leave and call me a whore

– if i didn’t reply for 20 minutes he would accuse me of cheating

– if i told him how certain things hurt me he would say i didn’t love him enough to forgive him

– if i fell asleep too early he would insult me and my family which would lead to him blocking me for at least 2 days

– if i would say no to certain sexual activity he would say that he would find someone who would do the things he wanted to, if that didn’t make me do it then he would break up with me

– if i would say no to something during the sexual activity he would ignore my crying and begging for him to stop

– if i sent him a picture of myself his response would be ” do you think you’re a model? “

– if i was at home bored and did my hair differently he would accuse me of going to a club behind his back

– he chose my friends ( at the end i didn’t have any )

– i came to him crying because i had some family issues he looked me dead in the eyes and told me to stop making the world revolve around me

– he told me in my face that he would sleep with my bestfriend because she is better looking than me

– he would bring me home and wait until my room light was on so he knows i’m inside

– i wasn’t allowed to any birthday parties or any social events with or without his presence

– if i was with a friend outside and some guy asked about a direction or anything simple as that i would have panick attacks and move like 5 meters away because i thought he’d see me and think we’re flirting

This is more than what i have ever told anyone and this was going on for over 2 years why? Because i was naive, yes it is my fault because i was afraid to leave, because he made me think that after him i’ll be alone, that nobody except him would ever love me because i’m worthless and this is what i believed. We are always afraid of the monsters in the dark streets at night, but what when the monster is sleeping right next to you?

What was a breaking point for me? It was a wednesday night and a school night for me, i fell asleep around 10 pm i woke up yet again to being blocked and countless messages from him insulting me. So i went to school, had a complete mental breakdown and God thanks for the girls in that school that day because i had 15 girls around me telling me to stop, to end it, that our relationship has reached an unreachable level of toxicity, that i need to realize that i don’t need him, that i am strong and i can’t even tell you how much strength their empowering gave me. After 2,5 years i was strong enough to end it, to leave. My bestfriend ( hello Nuni) played a huge role in this break up, she was in on it for weeks and at first i didn’t listen to her, so that thursday after he decided i was worth his attention again and not taking me serious when i said no more it’s over, i finally cut him completely off of my social media, blocked his number, completely erased his existance i called her and i remember crying on the phone barely breathing and telling her “this feels more like a relief than pain”. And from that day on she was there, every day, every minute, everytime i felt like i wanted to go back she was there to remind me why not to do so. She and those girls in school saved my life and no they didn’t do it instead of me, i did it myself, i left but i left because they gave me strength, because they believed in me more than i did.

I don’t even need to mention how much he begged for me to come back, it took months and even now recently he tried again.

But did this strength and empowerment delete my trauma and my pain? No.

I got out of that relationship broken into a million pieces, traumatised, vulnerable, weak and insecure. The trance state that i was in because i was finally free, lasted for about 3-4 months and then the PTSD kicked in, suddenly i started experiencing panick attacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety and even though i tried to hide it i was living with it constantly because i finally wrote a list of every traumatising experience i had with him and finally realized that i was a victim of mental, emotional and sexual abuse and i couldn’t wrap my head around it, i DIDN’T wanna be a victim. I didn’t wanna have to say ” i have been through this ” i didn’t want peoples pity. So the first person i talked about this was again my bestfriend and i was so ashamed i remember not even being able to look her in the eyes, because i felt like my dignity, my secrecy and my purity was completely demolished. So everything that i was trying to suppress during those traumatic experiences i started feeling all at once. I didn’t wanna tell my family that i was sexually assaulted from someone i loved and that same person had told me ” if you loved me i wouldn’t have to use the force ” this sentence is stuck in my mind. And i remember it everyday. I didn’t wanna go to the therapy and talk about it, i didn’t wanna do any of that, i didn’t want it to be real. And it took long long long time for me to be even able to accept that this experience is a part of me. That yes a part of my soul was taken in that relationship but the part that’s still left i’ll use in the best way possible. So when i couldn’t deal with it anymore i seeked help in a hotline and talked to a woman on the line for almost an hour told her everything how it happened, when it happened and she said it outloud ” you have been a victim of a sexual abuse ” and she made me say it outloud that’s when i realized it really did happen.

So now i had to recover from all of those wounds, i had to find something that’s gonna help me because i wasn’t ready to talk about it. I pushed every guy away because i just didn’t know how to tell them the truth. But it happened, this year i shared my story with couple more people and they would always tell me ” you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to ” but i wanted to, it has become important to me for people close to me to know my story and to know that if they ever experienced or God forbid experience something like that to know that i am there and that i understand. Because i do understand how it feels to feel so ashamed, so afraid to talk about it to tell anyone because you know they can’t understand. And if it didn’t happen to them they never will be able to understand. And that’s okay don’t blame them. But there are people who do understand and it’s okay to search help, because I after more than 3 years finally feel ready to search for help and i am ready to help others who went through what i did.

What i want all of you who are gonna read this to know is that you need to recognize the signs of any kind of abuse and leave, find a person you can trust ask them for help and leave, if necessary go to police. You need to realize how precious your life is and that you are NOT worthless or alone.

There are so many young girls and boys who get into toxic relationships thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be. But it’s not. Love is not supposed to hurt, ever. Please remember that and at the first signs of abuse you don’t try to save them, you leave and save yourself, that should be a priority, always.

You wanna know how am i dealing with relationships? I’m not. I gave myself time to deal with it and a lot of time to come to this point where i accept who i am and my past, the trauma followed by it is still there but i am working on it and if someone comes around who is ready to work on it with me then i am finally ready to give it a chance.

But this blog post isn’t about me. It is my story but what i want out of it is for people to know that if they need someone to talk about those topics to know that they are not alone. Me telling my story might give someone strength to finally leave that relationship or to finally search for help or just share their story with me if they want to. I felt alone for such a long time, i felt like i didn’t have voice or that no one would listen. But there are people who care and you are never, ever alone.

Put yourself first, please.

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