Knowing that you don‘t know what you want

Hi, hello.

I promised this long time ago but sorry life was happening.

I’m fine things happened, i got a new job, my bestfriend moved away then she moved back, another one is moving to munich, i met a lot of new people. Cats are doing fine. I got tattoos, like 6 of them in the past 6 months, i already have almost 3 trips planned for next year and approved vacation days so i have something to look forward to. I’m turning 23 in a month yaaay. I was in London, Vienna, some concerts, had a lot of girls nights where i obviously was drunk. I also had a situationship which kinda kept on going throughout the year but is happily over since i dont know a month or two.

What’s new is that after 4 years my family finally noticed that i’ve been single for a long time and suddenly everyone is determined to tell me how much they wish i had someone by my side. My grandma lost it as I posted a picture with a famous rapper because she was convinced it was my potential boyfriend and my eyes were smiling and sparkling differently (i have to say she has never seen me drunk and this is the explanation for the sparkling eyes) so i guess she contacted his label i don’t know. My father also subtly expressed his wish that i had a boyfriend and was concerned about what’s exactly wrong with me and why nobody wants me – he then advised me to take a shower and comb my hair for it may help me. My other grandma told me she doesn’t even see me getting married since all i do is watch disney and play with cats – i still don’t know if that was meant as a complaint or as a praise i mean i could be doing drugs and be a stripper. I also expressed my wish to go to Venice and got an answer ” get yourself a man who is gonna take you ” then of course my defensive independend and highly feministic self said that i can take my own damn self to Venice or to Kilimanjaro if i please, i don’t need a man for that ( how didn’t they see this comming) .

This high level of concern about my love life from both sides of my family got me thinking how did i survive the last 4 years single. I wonder how am i even alive. Yes this is sarcastic. I don’t know if maybe there is some secret cult that starts convincing your family that you’ll die alone if you don’t have a man by your side by 23. So of course naturally i’ve been trying to explain everyone that i am fine, that i am not crying myself to sleep with my cats every day wishing the love of my life threw pebbles at my window. As a matter of fact i have so much going on in my life that i don’t even know if i can manage being in a relationship, i got promoted at my job, started kinda a small bussiness with cakes, planned 3 trips for next year ( which no relationship would stop me from going to anyway ) – and naturally because all of this is going on i don’t know what i want anymore. I was supposed to move back to Croatia in September which obviously didn’t happen cause i accepted a job offer which I don’t regret at all because i got promoted after 3 months. I also have an option to move to London which i’m still considering as well as i’m still considering moving back to Croatia I am also considering about moving to a smaller city near Munich.

Basically i am all over the place, once the world opens up to you and you see all the possibilities – you get lost and you can’t figure out what exactly you want. So now i am sitting on my couch venting on the Internet about how i don’t know in what direction i want my life to go and how my family wants me to get married while there is a 16 year old girl trying to save the world from apocalypse and i bet marriage is the last thing on her mind.

And let me explain it’s not that i don’t want to be in love and have some amazing beautiful man next to me, it’s just that it would be unfair to pull someone into my chaos and i really don’t think i want to get commited in any country now because i can’t even figure out where i wanna live. And i feel like a relationship would play a big factor in that decision and i don’t want that, because i would then ONLY stay or ONLY move because of someone else and my feelings not because I wanted to. I don’t know if that made sense. I have so many possibilities to move forward with my career right now and i like having all the options available cause i don’t have to think about anyone else but myself and losing that or having to compromise or even sacrifice that makes me uncomfortable. You know if i get in a relationship in Munich then i can’t just move to Croatia then if i have someone in Croatia I can’t really take all of the trips because i have the responsibility to spend time with them or i would have to move to Croatia asap if they don’t want to come to Munich or we would break up which then also is a huge waist of time and effort. And that takes away my freedom to decide what i want based on just me. So if anyone asks this is why i’m single.

Literally because I know that I don’t know what I want or where I want it or how I want it or when I want it and i wanna take time with figuring it out. I feel like one day i’ll know what to do but right now I don’t and I need only myself in the process of figuring it out.

I am already excited about your Feedback or if you feel the same! Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Pro Choice

I didn’t write anything lately cause i haven’t been feeling really passionate about writing recently but there is this topic that fills me with pure rage.

I don’t live in the U.S.A. but to know that there is a country in this world where 25 MEN decide what woman is supposed to do with their body just makes me ANGRY. And it does affect me and all the women around the world because i think on every continent and in every country there are people who think it’s ok to decide on how the women should live. So fuck that.

There have been pictures going around of a 10 weeks old FETUS that if it would come out it would literally be a clump of blood, it has facial features, 10 fingers ect. let me break it to you THE FETUS IS NOT ABLE TO LIVE ON IT’S OWN! I work in a Gynecology department and i can assure you that the doctors now consider 22 weeks the earliest gestational age when a baby is “viable,” or able to survive outside the womb. But this is still extremely premature, and a baby born at this age will need a great deal of medical attention. Even if he survives, the risk of permanent disability is very high. So even at 22 weeks it is questionable if the baby is going to survive. So cut the crap how 10 weeks old fetus is a baby or a human being and how it should have more rights than a living grown human being which is the woman carrying it. A 10 weeks old fetus doesn’t have or a 6 weeks old EMBRYO is not a BABY it has less than 1% of survival without using someone elses cardio vascular system.

So tell me how does removing of a blood clump deserve a bigger punishment than 95% of the rapist and pedophiles? How can a doctor who does an abortion for a woman who has been raped and left pregnant deserve bigger punishment than the rapist? Are you all completely out of your fucking mind? How does incest, rape and so on have more understanding than a woman who doesn’t want to have a child??????? HOW?!? How is it okay for 25 fucking MEN to decide what the hell women do with their bodies? What century do we live in? Until when is there going to be a war against women and no not women rights but fucking human rights to make a choice which the individual thinks it’s the best for them?

I know so many women who had an abortion out of various reasons and it was not an easy journey for none of them, but did they manage to continue to make their dreams, careers, college and so on come true? Yes they fucking did and there is not a single doubt in my mind that one day when they decide to be mothers they will be the bomb as moms and to hell some of them already are moms and are happy because they were not FORCED to give a birth to a child they didn’t want. So often we see how there was a baby left in the forest or on the street or it was found dead/killed, now that is a murder yes because it was a human being capable to survive out of the womb and do you know how to prevent those awful things? By allowing the women to decide if they want this child or not, because the baby at 40 weeks is capable of living, 10 weeks old fetus is not.

All of you who call yourselves pro lifers, you are all bullshiting the whole world and yourselves, because you don’t give two flying fucks about what happens to kids after they are born. How many kids did you adopt from orphanage and took under your roof? How many kids did you pick up from the street and gave them a loving home? HOW MANY FUCKING LIVES OF THOSE CHILDREN WHO ARE LEFT ALONE IN A FUCKING ORPHANAGE DID YOU SAVE??? None. Because you don’t give a shit, you just want to control, you don’t care what kind of lifes those children have when they grow up in a orphanage and when they’re 18 they’re kicked out and left alone in this world. You don’t care how many of them start doing drugs or have to go into prostitution because they have no other choice. You don’t care how they live in a poverty, you don’t care that they never had a loving home, you don’t GIVE A SHIT that they never knew what LOVE means. So don’t come at me at tell me how you are pro life because i call bullshit on it. Children who grow up in the system are children who are forgotten because they are not wanted, not wanted by their monthers and not wanted by any of you pro life bullshiters. That’s the sad truth as hard and as raw as it is but it’s the truth.

So yes it is the right thing to do to let the women decide if they want to be a mother or not. Whatever they do it does not affect your life in any way, it is her body, her trauma that she has to go through while giving a birth, because birth as miraculous as it is, it is a traumatic experience for the body. Let them decide, it is not such a hard thing to do, to just let humans have their rights of freedom and ability to choose what is the best for them.

And if we are going to take that ” if the god wants it that way it should be that way” card then i vote for viagra to be completely dismissed. Because if God wanted a man to be impotent then so should it be. Why is it since the begging of the times that men have more rights, more privilege than women do? And now they have the right to decide what we do with our bodies and weather we are ready or not ready for a child? No. You wanna ban Abortion and punish the doctors who pursue them with 10-99 years in jail? Fine, then every father of the child who dismisses the child is supposed to get the same punishment 10-99 years in jail for abandoning HIS child. It’s all about equality. You wanna force women to be mothers then force men to be the fathers as well. EQUALITY.

People say women should stop having sex then, do men only have sex when they want to concieve a child? DO THEY? I don’t think so. So stop being a hypocrite and get your facts and use the logic before you open your mouth.

We did invent all of those things like IVF for the people who can’t conceive a child on their on, Viagra for men who have troubles with impotency , Birth Control Pills, IUD’s and so on to prevent from pregnancies but understand that none of those things we use a protection is 100% safe, after pills are not 100% safe so unwanted pregnancies do happen and we should give those women an opportunity to decide for themselves what they want to do.

One last thing:

If you are against abortions then don’t have one.

Inspiration, Goals, Writing and Self Care

So i wrote few songs lately…again. I think my first song was called something about with snowflake i don’t know i just know it was like 10 years ago.

I don’t even know why i stopped writing songs or writing in general i really enjoy writing, i love quotes, i love writing songs, i love books. And i would really like to write a book i just don’t know what exactly i should write about. My tragic and melancholic love life or even more tragic and complicated family situation. I don’t know if i should write about dragons and gargoyles and fairies and magic or if i should just write something real. I haven’t decided yet if i want people to escape their reality while reading my book or if i want them to read something they can relate to and know that they are not alone. But i know i want people to feel something. I wrote my last two songs at most random places, one was the bust that was driving me to Croatia and another one was at work. And it was such a relief because everything that i felt over last few months or last year i put into words and the songs turned out to be something i’d also listen to and now i guess the inspiration keeps on comming because i have so many things i wanna write about and i have so many ideas that i don’t even know where to start. I guess before i didn’t really know how to open up and put my feelings out there, i was afraid that it’s gonna be too raw and too honest and they would immediately know the song or the post was about them but now i don’t really care i don’t really have the fear of putting myself out there.

And this came pretty suddenly. At the end of the last year i started cutting off people one by one, i started breaking the contact with people without an explanation because i don’t feel like i owned them one and i still feel that way, i spent last year pretty much drinking and partying and don’t get me wrong i mean i had fun but at the end of the year i realized i’m not doing anything with my life anymore. I stopped writing, i kinda stopped singing i stopped doing everything i enjoyed to do. I tried some substances to see if it’s gonna have any affection on me and it did it made me realize what kind of person i don’t want to be. It made me realize that i don’t want to live life of a party and i wanna go back to my artistic life. I stopped taking care of my body, kinda stopped my vegeterian life (which i’m btw back to) i was eating badly, drinking a lot, partying a lot, working a lot and at the end i was just so sad, i was so done, i was so tired and then the depression kicked back in. I didn’t go to work for 4 weeks, the first two weeks i stayed at home, i literally told everyone i knew that i was sick which i was just not the flu like everyone thought, i binge watched series and i didn’t even bother to get out of the bed. Until I went to Croatia then i spent two weeks there and i kinda came back to life.

And in those two weeks i have made so many decisions, so many changes i suddenly had a plan. A vision and my inspiration was back.

The only resolutions i have this year is to stay healthy, to create much more than i did last year, to let my artistic spirit out, to try my hardest to be happy and to listen to my intuition and my body. And that’s something i’m already doing. I’m writing and i will try to start writing a book this year, because i finished my med school and i never in 1000 years thought that i would be capable of finishing a med school and not in my language but in german in Germany so you know since i know that i made it i kinda just think if i did that then maybe i’m also capable of using my writing skills to write a book, to really just get out there, or to show my songs to someone.

I know this is more of a rant post and i don’t know if anyone is interesting in me just writing out the things i want to do but i guess i just want to tell anyone who is struggling right now to find any motivation or inspiration to just quit the toxic things or people out, because it really gives you a freedom of mind, it just feels like a HUGE detox and you start thinking clearly which leads closure or maybe not but i promise your inspiration will be back. This post was also kind of a reminder to take care of yourself because as soon as you start doing it, wonderful things will happen.

Your mind and your body are the only things you have to deal with for the rest of your life, nothing is more important than that.

Love is Love

I can’t help but write about this topic, because it makes me sick to my stomach.

Let’s start the post this way, i come from a beautiful country of Croatia unfortunately people’s souls are not as beautiful there. It is a pretty ” religious ” and primitive country, the mindset of the people is kinda similar to those in the Stone Age. So the main topic lately has been a gay couple trying to adopt a child that has been abused by her father, so of course the child was taken away and was put into the orphanage or let’s call it ” the system”. So surprisingly the Child Services approved the adoption but the chancellor of the orpahange refused to sign the final approval. Of course the couple went to the media with their story and the comments are disturbing. The hate that’s been spread about gay community is just inhuman.

I have been someone who grew up with a homophobic father and of course you would think that i would turn out to be one too but no, i was fighting against homophobia since very beggining, i remember my dad asking me ” what if one of them wants to do something with your brother would you still accept it” and i remember telling him ” if he wants it then yeah i would accept it ” and my father was furious and back then i didn’t understand why, why would love between two people awaken such anger and hate in other people. And i still don’t understand it. Why is only the love between man and a woman considered normal? Why can’t a person decide whom they want to love without being judged, why is something so beautiful as trying to help a child to get out of the system and grow up in a loving home considered as a sin? Why do people need to be concerned about their safety because they are in love?

I have been told from few people that i know that when they read my comments on articles about homosexuality they don’t understand why am i speaking out and that i should stop, well i won’t stop, i will never stop, i will stop when homophobia is completely out of this world, i will stop when people stop being assholes and when they stop telling someone whom to love or consider or even worse treat homosexuality as a mental illness. I will never stop fighting for human rights, i will never stop speaking about it and i will never be quiet when someone is being treated like trash.

People like them always mention religion when it comes to this topic and i really have no idea what God are they praying to because the God that i know and that i believe in loves everyone, he accepts everyone and would never send someone to ” hell ” because they loved someone. The God that i believe in doesn’t tolerate hate and bullying, God that i believe in chooses love no matter what kind of love that is.

If a child is raised by homosexual parents they are gonna be bullied or turn out as homosexual too? Bullshit. Kids nowdays don’t need a reason to bully someone, they would bully a child if it wears glasses and it’s not right, bullying is a serious issue but you know who should be banned from having children? Anyone who is racist, sexist and homophobic because parents with those characteristics mostly raise bullies because they do not teach their kids acceptance and love only hate and resentment. So if i was to choose whom to give a child it would always be a loving couple instead to people who preach hate.

Every human has the right to love whoever they want, every human deserves to be loved.

The same goes for women rights, children rights, immigrant rights. It’s called human rights, it’s what every single person on this planet deserves and no preaching hate is not your freedom of speech it’s just you being an asshole.

And I alone can’t change the world but that doesn’t mean i’ll be quiet because if everyone thought they should be quiet because as an individual you can’t change anything then nothing is ever gonna change, maybe me speaking about it is gonna give others the courage and like that we can build a chain of activists who can’t be silenced and then we might change something.

” I choose to defent the human rights because i cannot maintain my silence in the face of injustice “

Monster in my bed ( German version)

 In letzter Zeit hatte ich wenig Inspiration, aber ich habe nachgedacht und so viele verschiedene Geschichten gehört, dass ich entschieden habe vollkommen offen darüber zu reden. Ganz egal, wer es lesen wird. Denn das ist der Grund, warum ich diesen Blog angefangen habe, um die Menschen durch meine eigenen Erfahrungen zu erreichen.

Vor ungefähr dreieinhalb Jahren habe ich eine 2,5 Jahre lange Beziehung beendet. Als ich diese Person getroffen habe, war ich 17. Eine zufällige Begegnung. Durch die Umstände, unter denen wir uns kennengelernt haben, glaube ich heute noch, dass es vorherbestimmt war und ich meine Lektion durch ihn lernen sollte.

Ich werde keine Timeline verfolgen von dem wie es anfing bis zum bitteren Ende. Worüber ich sprechen will ist emotionale und mentale Manipulation, sexueller Missbrauch, Kontrolle und wie man mit deren Folgen umgeht.

Lasst mich damit anfangen, zu sagen, dass das Ende nicht schlecht war, nein, ganz im Gegenteil. Ich habe mich noch nie so beherrscht und unter Kontrolle gehabt, wie an dem Tag als ich es beendete. Das was schlecht war, war die ganze Beziehung und ich werde jetzt nicht sentimental werden und von guten Momenten reden, denn all die guten Momente waren nur die Folgen von seinen Taten, die er versucht hat wieder gut zu machen.

Die Beziehung fing damit an, dass ich herausfand, dass er Kokain sowohl verkaufte als auch selbst konsumierte, was damit endete, dass er mich mit einem Messer bedrohte, weil ich versucht habe ihn vor einer Schlägerei zu bewahren, mit drei Typen, die fünfmal so groß waren wie er. Ich hätte genau in diesem Moment gehen sollen, aber ich tat es nicht. Warum? Weil mein 17-jähriges ich daran glaubte, ihn retten zu können.

Was darauf folgte, waren viele Zusammenbrüche und Tränen. Von ihm kamen nur Versprechen, dass er sich ändern würde, dass er Hilfe brauchte. So nun, wie verlässt man jemanden, der um Hilfe bettelt? Ich hatte die leise Vorahnung, dass das eine Last sein würde, die ich mein restliches Leben mit mir herumtragen würde. Um euch die Entwicklung unserer Beziehung ein bisschen zu verdeutlichen werde ich euch ein paar Punkte ohne viele Details aufzählen, damit ihr euch selbst ein Bild davon machen könnt, was für mich normal war.

  • Wenn ich in seiner Gegenwart mit seinen Freunden geredet habe, ist er gegangen und hat mich Hure genannt
  • Wenn ich ihm nur 20 Minuten nicht gleich geantwortet habe, hat er mich beschuldigt fremdzugehen
  • Wenn ich ihm gesagt habe, wie mich gewisse Dinge verletzen, meinte er nur ich würde ihn nicht genug lieben um ihm zu vergeben
  • Wenn ich zu früh eingeschlafen bin, hat er mich und meine Familie beleidigt und mich für mindestens zwei Tage blockiert
  • Wenn ich zu gewissen sexuellen Dingen „Nein“ gesagt habe, sagte er nur, dass er jemand anderen finden würde, der die Dinge tut die er will und wenn mich das nicht dazu bringen würde es zu tun, würde er mich verlassen
  • Wenn ich zu manchen Sachen während dem Sex „nein“ gesagt habe, hat er mein Weinen und Flehen ignoriert und einfach weiter gemacht
  • Wenn ich ihm ein Bild von mir geschickt habe, war seine Antwort nur; „denkst du, du bist ein Model?“
  • Wenn ich zu Hause aus Langeweile meine Haare verändert habe, hat er mich beschuldigt, ich würde hinter seinem Rücken feiern gehen
  • Er nahm mir meine Freunde (am Ende hatte ich keine mehr)
  • Wenn ich weinend zu ihm kam, weil ich Probleme mit meiner Familie hatte, hat er mich nur mit leerem Blick angeschaut und gemeint ich solle damit aufhören zu denken, die Welt drehe sich nur um mich
  • Er hat mir ins Gesicht gesagt, dass er mit meiner besten Freundin schlafen würde, weil sie hübscher ist als ich
  • Wenn er mich nach Hause gebracht hat, hat er gewartet, bis mein Licht anging, so dass er sich sicher sein konnte, dass ich wirklich zu Hause war
  • Ich durfte auf keine Geburtstage oder andere Events gehen, weder mit noch ohne ihn
  • Wenn ich mit Freunden unterwegs war, und mich ein Junge nach dem Weg, oder nach einer anderen Simplen Sache gefragt hat, habe ich Panikattacken bekommen und habe gleich so viel Abstand wie möglich gehalten, weil ich dachte er würde mich sehen und denken ich würde flirten

Das ist mehr, als ich je jemanden erzählt habe und das ging zwei Jahre so. Warum? Weil ich naiv war. Ja es ist mein Fehler, weil ich Angst hatte ihn zu verlassen, weil er mich Glauben gemacht hat, dass ich ohne ihm alleine wäre, dass niemand außer ihm mich lieben könnte, weil ich wertlos bin. Das ist das was ich geglaubt hatte. So was war der entscheidende Punkt für mich es zu beenden?

Es war ein Mittwochabend und am nächsten Tag hatte ich Schule. Ich bin gegen 10 Uhr abends eingeschlafen und wachte auf, 183728 beleidigende Nachrichten von ihm und mal wieder blockiert. In der Schule hatte ich dann einen totalen mentalen Zusammenbruch und ich danke Gott für die Mädchen in dieser Schule. Ich hatte 15 Mädchen um mich herum, die mir sagten ich solle aufhören und es beenden, dass unsere Beziehung ein unerreichbares Level an Giftigkeit erreicht hatte, dass ich realisieren solle, dass ich ihn nicht brauche, dass ich stark bin. Ich kann euch nicht sagen, wie viel Stärke mir diese Worte gegeben haben. Nach 2,5 Jahren war ich endlich stark genug, es zu beenden, zu gehen. Meine beste Freundin (hallo Nuni) hat eine sehr wichtige Rolle bei der ganzen Sache gespielt. Sie war seit Wochen dabei und anfangs hörte ich ihr nicht zu. Am Donnerstag nachdem er entschied ich war seiner Aufmerksamkeit wieder wert, nahm er mich nicht ernst, als ich sagte „ich will nicht mehr, es ist vorbei“. Ich habe es geschafft ihn endlich aus meinen social media zu löschen, seine Nummer zu blockieren und auch komplett seine Existenz auszuradieren. An diesem Tag rief ich sie an und ich erinnere mich daran, dass ich geweint hatte und ihr kaum atmend gesagt hatte: „Es fühlt sich eher wie eine Befreiung an als Schmerz.“ Ab diesem Tag war sie da, jeden Tag, jede Minute, jedes Mal, wenn ich zurückgehen wollte, war sie da um mich zu erinnern warum ich genau das nicht tun darf. Sie und die Mädchen aus der Schule haben mir das Leben gerettet. Und nein, sie haben es mir nicht abgenommen, ich habe es selbst geschafft. Ich bin gegangen. Aber ich bin gegangen, weil sie mir die Kraft dafür gegeben haben, weil sie mehr an mich geglaubt haben als ich selbst.

Ich glaube ich muss gar nicht erst erwähnen, wie sehr er mich angefleht hatte zurückzukommen, es dauerte Monate und selbst jetzt versucht er es manchmal noch immer.

Aber hat mir diese Stärke mein Trauma und meinen Schmerz genommen? Nein.

Als ich diese Beziehung beendete, war ich in millionen Stücke zerbrochen, traumatisiert, verwundet, schwach und unsicher. Für 3-4 Monate war ich wie in Trance, weil ich endlich frei war, doch dann setzte die Posttraumatische Belastungsstörung ein, plötzlich bekam ich Panikattacken, Albträume, Depressionen, Angstzustände und obwohl ich versucht habe es zu verstecken, musste ich damit leben und letztendlich schrieb ich eine Liste mit jeder traumatisierenden Erfahrung, die ich wegen ihm hatte. Und endlich realisierte ich, dass ich ein Opfer von mentaler, emotionaler und auch sexueller Gewalt war und ich kam damit nicht klar. Ich wollte KEIN Opfer sein. Ich wollte nicht sagen müssen, „ich musste dadurch“, Ich wollte kein Mitleid von Anderen. Die erste Person, mit der ich darüber redete, war wieder meine beste Freundin und ich erinnere mich, wie sehr ich mich geschämt hatte und nicht fähig war, ihr in die Augen zu sehen, weil ich mich fühlte, als wäre meine Würde und meine Reinheit völlig zerstört worden. Ich fühlte alles, was ich während der traumatischen Erlebnisse unterdrückt hatte, plötzlich und auf einmal. Ich wollte meiner Familie nicht erzählen, dass ich von jemandem den ich geliebt hatte, sexuell misshandelt wurde, der gleichen Person, die mir gesagt hatte, „wenn du mich lieben würdest, müsste ich dich nicht zwingen“. Dieser Satz hat sich in mir festgesetzt. Ich erinnere mich jeden Tag an ihn. Ich wollte zu keiner Therapie gehen und darüber reden, ich wollte nichts dergleichen, ich wollte nicht, dass es wahr war. Es hat sehr sehr lange gedauert, bis ich es geschafft habe zu aktzeptieren, dass diese Erlebnisse nun Teil von mir waren. Ja, diese Beziehung hat mir einen Teil meiner Seele genommen, aber den Teil, der noch übrig ist nutze ich so gut es geht. Als ich nicht mehr damit umgehen konnte, suchte ich mir Hilfe bei einer Hotline und redete fast eine Stunde lang mit einer Frau und erzählte ihr alles, wie es passierte, wann es passierte und sie sprach es laut aus: „Du warst Opfer von sexuellem Missbrauch.“ Und sie brachte mich dazu es selbst laut auszusprechen. Das war der Zeitpunkt, an dem ich realisierte, dass es wirklich passiert ist.

Nun musste ich mich von all diesen Verletzungen erholen, ich musste etwas finden, das mir helfen konnte, denn ich war noch nicht bereit darüber zu reden. Ich stieß jeden Jungen von mir weg, weil ich nicht wusste, wie ich ihnen die Wahrheit sagen sollte. Aber es passierte, dieses Jahr fing ich an meine Geschichte mit ein paar mehr Leuten zu teilen und alle sagten mir, „du musst nicht darüber reden, wenn du nicht möchtest“, aber ich wollte es. Es wurde mir wichtig, dass die Menschen in meiner Nähe meine Geschichte kennen und dass sie wissen, dass ich sie verstehe, falls sie das selbe erlebt haben oder sollten sie, Gott bewahre, in solch eine Situation kommen. Weil ich verstehe wie sich dieses Schamgefühl anfühlt, wie es sich anfühlt angst zu haben, darüber zu reden, weil man es selbst nicht verstehen kann. Und wenn es ihnen nicht passiert, werden sie es nie schaffen es zu verstehen. Und das ist okay, ich mache ihnen daraus keinen Vorwurf. Aber es gibt Menschen, die das sehr gut verstehen, und es ist okay sich Hilfe zu suchen. Denn nach 3 Jahren fühlte ich mich endlich bereit Hilfe anzunehmen und ich bin bereit auch anderen zu helfen, die dasselbe durchmachen mussten wie ich.

Ich will, dass alle von euch, die das lesen, dass sie die Anzeichen von jeder Art Gewalt erkennen und gehen. Findet eine Person, der ihr vertrauen könnt, bittet sie um Hilfe und geht. Wenn nötig geht zur Polizei. Ihr müsst realisieren wie wertvoll euer Leben ist und dass ihr NICHT wertlos oder allein seid.

Es gibt so viele junge Mädchen und Jungen, die eine giftige Beziehung führen und denken, es soll so sein. Aber soll es nicht. Liebe sollte nicht wehtun, niemals. Bitte denkt immer daran und beim ersten Zeichen von Gewalt, versucht nicht derjenigen zu retten, geht und rettet euch selbst. Das sollte Priorität sein und zwar immer.

Ihr wollt wissen, wie ich mit Beziehungen umgehe? Garnicht. Ich gab mir selbst Zeit damit klarzukommen und eine Menge mehr Zeit um zu dem Punkt zu gelangen, an dem ich meine Vergangenheit akzeptierte und akzeptierte wer ich bin. Das Trauma, das darauf folgte ist immer noch da, aber ich arbeite daran und sollte ich jemandem begegnen, der bereit ist mit mir zusammen daran zu arbeiten, bin ich endlich bereit ihm eine Chance zu geben.

Aber bei diesem Blogpost geht es nicht um mich. Zwar ist es meine Geschichte, aber was ich will ist, dass die Menschen wissen, dass sie nicht alleine sind, wenn sie jemanden brauchen um über diese Themen zu sprechen. Vielleicht gibt meine Geschichte dem ein oder anderen die Kraft endlich ihre gewaltige Beziehung zu beenden oder sich endlich Hilfe zu suchen. Oder auch einfach ihre Geschichte mit mir zu teilen, wenn sie wollen. Ich habe mich so lange alleine gefühlt. Es fühlte sich an, als hätte ich keine Stimme, oder niemand hätte zugehört.

Aber es gibt Menschen, die sich kümmern und du bist NIEMALS allein.

Entscheide dich für dich, Bitte

Monster In my bed

I have been lacking the inspiration lately, but i’ve been reflecting and hearing different stories and decided i’ll go fully public about this. Neverthless who’s gonna read it. Because this is why i started this blog, to reach people through my own experiences.

Around 3 and a half years ago i’ve ended a 2 and a half years long relationship. When i met this person i was 17, it was the most random encounter and because of the circumstances under which we have met, it still makes me believe that it was meant to be for me to learn the lessons that i learned through him.

I am not gonna go through the timeline of how it started and to what has our relationship come at the end. What I am gonna talk about is emotional and mental manipulation, sexual abuse, mental abuse, control and how to deal with the aftermath.

Let me start with the fact that our break up wasn’t bad, no, not at all, i have never felt more fierce and in control that i did the day i ended it, what was bad was the whole relationship and no i’m not gonna get sentimentality into this and say we have had good moments, because all of the good moments were just the aftermath of him trying to make up for what he has done.

The relationship started with me finding out he has been dealing cocaine and also taking it, what ended up him threatening me with a knife because i tried to prevent the fight he almost got into with 3 guys who were 5 times bigger than him. I should have left at that very moment, i didn’t. Why? Because my 17 year old self believed i can fix him. What followed next were many breakdowns and tears from his side promising he is gonna change and he needs help, so how do you leave someone who is asking you for help, little did i know it’s gonna be a burden i’ll carry on my whole entire life. For you to understand the evolution of our relationship i’ll write few random points without much detail just so you can create a picture for yourself of what i believed was normal in a relationship.

– if i talked to his friends in his presence he would just leave and call me a whore

– if i didn’t reply for 20 minutes he would accuse me of cheating

– if i told him how certain things hurt me he would say i didn’t love him enough to forgive him

– if i fell asleep too early he would insult me and my family which would lead to him blocking me for at least 2 days

– if i would say no to certain sexual activity he would say that he would find someone who would do the things he wanted to, if that didn’t make me do it then he would break up with me

– if i would say no to something during the sexual activity he would ignore my crying and begging for him to stop

– if i sent him a picture of myself his response would be ” do you think you’re a model? “

– if i was at home bored and did my hair differently he would accuse me of going to a club behind his back

– he chose my friends ( at the end i didn’t have any )

– i came to him crying because i had some family issues he looked me dead in the eyes and told me to stop making the world revolve around me

– he told me in my face that he would sleep with my bestfriend because she is better looking than me

– he would bring me home and wait until my room light was on so he knows i’m inside

– i wasn’t allowed to any birthday parties or any social events with or without his presence

– if i was with a friend outside and some guy asked about a direction or anything simple as that i would have panick attacks and move like 5 meters away because i thought he’d see me and think we’re flirting

This is more than what i have ever told anyone and this was going on for over 2 years why? Because i was naive, yes it is my fault because i was afraid to leave, because he made me think that after him i’ll be alone, that nobody except him would ever love me because i’m worthless and this is what i believed. We are always afraid of the monsters in the dark streets at night, but what when the monster is sleeping right next to you?

What was a breaking point for me? It was a wednesday night and a school night for me, i fell asleep around 10 pm i woke up yet again to being blocked and countless messages from him insulting me. So i went to school, had a complete mental breakdown and God thanks for the girls in that school that day because i had 15 girls around me telling me to stop, to end it, that our relationship has reached an unreachable level of toxicity, that i need to realize that i don’t need him, that i am strong and i can’t even tell you how much strength their empowering gave me. After 2,5 years i was strong enough to end it, to leave. My bestfriend ( hello Nuni) played a huge role in this break up, she was in on it for weeks and at first i didn’t listen to her, so that thursday after he decided i was worth his attention again and not taking me serious when i said no more it’s over, i finally cut him completely off of my social media, blocked his number, completely erased his existance i called her and i remember crying on the phone barely breathing and telling her “this feels more like a relief than pain”. And from that day on she was there, every day, every minute, everytime i felt like i wanted to go back she was there to remind me why not to do so. She and those girls in school saved my life and no they didn’t do it instead of me, i did it myself, i left but i left because they gave me strength, because they believed in me more than i did.

I don’t even need to mention how much he begged for me to come back, it took months and even now recently he tried again.

But did this strength and empowerment delete my trauma and my pain? No.

I got out of that relationship broken into a million pieces, traumatised, vulnerable, weak and insecure. The trance state that i was in because i was finally free, lasted for about 3-4 months and then the PTSD kicked in, suddenly i started experiencing panick attacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety and even though i tried to hide it i was living with it constantly because i finally wrote a list of every traumatising experience i had with him and finally realized that i was a victim of mental, emotional and sexual abuse and i couldn’t wrap my head around it, i DIDN’T wanna be a victim. I didn’t wanna have to say ” i have been through this ” i didn’t want peoples pity. So the first person i talked about this was again my bestfriend and i was so ashamed i remember not even being able to look her in the eyes, because i felt like my dignity, my secrecy and my purity was completely demolished. So everything that i was trying to suppress during those traumatic experiences i started feeling all at once. I didn’t wanna tell my family that i was sexually assaulted from someone i loved and that same person had told me ” if you loved me i wouldn’t have to use the force ” this sentence is stuck in my mind. And i remember it everyday. I didn’t wanna go to the therapy and talk about it, i didn’t wanna do any of that, i didn’t want it to be real. And it took long long long time for me to be even able to accept that this experience is a part of me. That yes a part of my soul was taken in that relationship but the part that’s still left i’ll use in the best way possible. So when i couldn’t deal with it anymore i seeked help in a hotline and talked to a woman on the line for almost an hour told her everything how it happened, when it happened and she said it outloud ” you have been a victim of a sexual abuse ” and she made me say it outloud that’s when i realized it really did happen.

So now i had to recover from all of those wounds, i had to find something that’s gonna help me because i wasn’t ready to talk about it. I pushed every guy away because i just didn’t know how to tell them the truth. But it happened, this year i shared my story with couple more people and they would always tell me ” you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to ” but i wanted to, it has become important to me for people close to me to know my story and to know that if they ever experienced or God forbid experience something like that to know that i am there and that i understand. Because i do understand how it feels to feel so ashamed, so afraid to talk about it to tell anyone because you know they can’t understand. And if it didn’t happen to them they never will be able to understand. And that’s okay don’t blame them. But there are people who do understand and it’s okay to search help, because I after more than 3 years finally feel ready to search for help and i am ready to help others who went through what i did.

What i want all of you who are gonna read this to know is that you need to recognize the signs of any kind of abuse and leave, find a person you can trust ask them for help and leave, if necessary go to police. You need to realize how precious your life is and that you are NOT worthless or alone.

There are so many young girls and boys who get into toxic relationships thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be. But it’s not. Love is not supposed to hurt, ever. Please remember that and at the first signs of abuse you don’t try to save them, you leave and save yourself, that should be a priority, always.

You wanna know how am i dealing with relationships? I’m not. I gave myself time to deal with it and a lot of time to come to this point where i accept who i am and my past, the trauma followed by it is still there but i am working on it and if someone comes around who is ready to work on it with me then i am finally ready to give it a chance.

But this blog post isn’t about me. It is my story but what i want out of it is for people to know that if they need someone to talk about those topics to know that they are not alone. Me telling my story might give someone strength to finally leave that relationship or to finally search for help or just share their story with me if they want to. I felt alone for such a long time, i felt like i didn’t have voice or that no one would listen. But there are people who care and you are never, ever alone.

Put yourself first, please.

the law of love

I’ve got my heart broken so many times i’ve stopped keeping track. I am a person who always tries to see good in people, someone who always wants to believe that there is more good than bad and let me tell you something, only when i learned that you can’t change certain things or can’t affect certain things and how others act is when i realized that just because they have broken your heart it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person.

We live in a generation where we hide our feelings, we all try to be as cold as possible so we don’t get hurt. But is it worth it? Is it worth living a life without love just because we are scared of what might happen?

But first what does this word “love” mean? No it’s not just posting couple pictures on social media, it’s not just having eachother names in Instagram bio.

It’s the feeling of comfort and security. It’s knowing you have someone who makes you feel so happy that no matter what happens you feel at peace because you have that one person.

It’s screaming and fighting, fighting for the love, fighting to solve the problem because throwing away what you have is not an option.

It’s falling asleep in eachothers arms, it’s waking up and starting your day with a kiss. It’s dancing together, it’s making eachother laugh.

It’s motivating eachother to build a life that’s gonna make you happy induvidually but also as a couple. It’s believing in one another to make your dreams come true.

It’s having the mutual support. It’s compromising about certain things, it’s trusting.

It’s building a life together, it’s spending time together but also giving eachother space.

It’s two individual lifes that match together.

It is so hard to find something like that nowdays, don’t ask me why. I guess people are satisfied with one night with different people instead of every night with the same person.

I guess people don’t value the secrecy of love anymore. We hurt other people so we don’t get hurt, we push away others so we wouldn’t be pushed away. We don’t take risks anymore, we don’t fight for something when we want it anymore.

And no you don’t necessarily need another person to feel complete and live a happy life, your happiness depends only on you. But i’ve been single now for 3 years and i have built my life completely alone, i’ve done things alone, i’ve learned how to enjoy my company, i have learned so much about myself but let me tell you something i do miss having someone who’s gonna hold me after a long bad day.

I do miss having a comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who’s gonna care about me and who’s gonna accept me with all my flaws and insecurities.

It’s not about finding a perfect person, it’s about accepting someones soul, it’s realizing that they are gonna have bad days, that it’s not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies, that it’s not always gonna be 50-50 that sometimes it’s gonna be 80-20 but that it’s worth fighting for it.

And yes even i do lately crave love i am not settling for anything less that i deserve and nor should any woman or man do that.

Figure yourself out first, learn about yourself first, be alone for some time and love will find you, it will match you with someone who fits you like a glove.

And then my dear the magic is going to happen.