Time to say goodbye?

As i am sitting in a car making one last stop before i head back to Munich i feel like i can’t breathe and no this isn’t the typicall “oh i don’t wanna go back to work” mood it literally feels like a panick attack.

I never really felt this way about a place or a city, however i feel that way about people all the time. What makes me wonder is, do i feel this way about Munich because of the people in my life? Do toxic people destroy the love i have for the city because i automatically connect the city to the people? Does anyone has any similar experience?

I feel like i don’t belong there, there like i am constantly trying to fit in without success. I don’t like who i am becoming there, i have never been more lonely in my life even though my circle of people keeps growing. I am working so much and so hard that i forgot how to live, i forgot that i am spending the best year of my life, my youth at work, turning into a lifeless robot.

Why don’t i just quit? Because life in Munich is pretty expensive, i live alone i pay everything by myself and i am gonna be honest it’s still not enough, not with a full sallary and another over the weekend job. So as i am just slightly managing to survive i am forgetting that i could die tomorrow and that the life isn’t about paying bills (which you should definately do) but it’s not the most important thing. We shouldn’t be living to pay bills.

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If i don’t like it there why don’t i just go? I never said i’m gonna stay in Munich. But i am not legal for a long time, i was still in school, i needed to get on my own feet, i needed to give the city a chance.

And i did, oh boy over and over again and don’t get me wrong, Munich is one of the most beautiful cities in the world but i never experienced anything so remarkable and so breathtaking or anything that made me really feel alive there. I met so many people, some of them are the bestest friends i could ever have and that was a blessing and something that i am so grateful for.

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So i decided i’m gonna explore my options, maybe find some other job, maybe quit the second job, maybe find another city, maybe another country, maybe i’ll go work over the summer, maybe i’ll go back home to Croatia. I don’t know i have endless options that i need to study and find whats best for ME and well of course my cats.

If you experienced anything similar please let me know, i believe people can always help eachother.

Independence

The lack of inspiration and vacation are responsible for my lazy ass not writing anything.

But i decided to write about independance.

Stuff happened over the last few years, months,  weeks and i have come to realization that i’m proud of myself.

I am 21, soon to be 22 i have my 2 jobs, i live alone, i am educating myself and yes i’m struggling but would i change it and go back to live with anyone from my family again? No.

And no it’s not because i hate everyone it’a just because the freedom and independance that i have now have made me grow and mature so much and the whole experience is building me and keeping me on the right path to become the woman i want.

It is hard of course, after work i have to do everything alone, clean, cook, do the loundry, pay the rent, the bills but it’s all worth of having my own few walls, my shelter and my space. I do enjoy being alone, i am a one wolf pack, i need it and i am very selfish with it. With my time, my freedom, my creativity, my growth, my inner peace and my mental health.

I think this is very important, to spend time with yourself, to live with yourself, i have learned a lot about myself, as an example i absolutely despite doing the loundry and i really have a passion for hanging 18372 pictures on my walls.

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You probably must thinking i am having so much fun, parties, one night stands, wild nights but no mostly what i do is read, write, sing (a lot) and cuddle my cats. I am enjoying this period of my life and i think at some point if i find a partner i will really think good about when and if i wanna move in with them.

People need to learn how to be independent, it’s so important to depend on no one else but yourself and live everyday with a responsibility it changes you as a person, it builds character, personality and it makes you appreciate little things more.

I know this is pretty much a boring topic to write about but since i’ve been busy lately i just wanted to express how grateful i am to be at this level at such a young age and how grateful i am to have my 4 walls and complete freedom. Do i know what the hell am i doing? No. But i am really enjoying the journey of learning.

Taboo or not Taboo?

I’ve got a request from one of my besties to write about sexuality, sex and how is the society dealing with it nowdays.

This generation is pretty much judgemental towards everything we do, from how we dress, where we come from, what religion we have, our sexual orientation, how many people we’ve slept with, how many people we haven’t slept with etc.

Let’s start with sex, so nowdays relationships are categorized in so many different “relationships” you can have a romantic relationship, you can have a sex relationship, you can be married, you can be divorced, you can have an open relationship, you can have monogam relationship or even polygam you can literally choose whatever the hell you feel comfortable with. But whatever you choose you’re gonna get judged.

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It’s the same when it comes to sex. I know people who enjoy one night stands and they do it on a regular basis, i know people who are not so much comfortable with it and that’s totally okay! But what i wanna concentrate on is womens sex life in todays society. So according to most of our population women are supposed to be those beautiful, pure, innocent creatures who need to stay virgins until they find the “right” man to take their purity. But why? Why is there such a huge double standard when it comes to women and men, men are allowed to have their time where they experience and explore their sexuality and it’s even “recommended” for them to not get married before they are over their phase because otherwise they won’t be faithful. I call bullshit on that.

As humans we have natural sexual desires, all the same or some less and some more, of course there are women who want to save themselves for the marriage and that is awesome and i am rooting for them and i am really proud of them but i am also so proud of women who embrace their sexuality and say “ hey i want to ”experiment” i want to sleep with various people and i want to find out what i like and what i don’t and get to know myself and my body” you go girls! Why is it so hard to accept the fact that there are women who need to go through their “phase” the same way the men do. Why is it so wrong to learn about yourself, your desires and your needs? Why are women so judged and so descriminated in our society? Is it because they are not the perfect candidates to be the perfect wifes? Screw that.

From the women i know most of them just do what they please and they don’t really care what anyone has to say about that which is really empowering  and i would also suggest any woman or man reading this please just do what makes you happy, if you want to wait then wait if you want to sleep around then just do it.

Women are people too, we are not some robots who were made to give birth, clean, cook and brush our hair. We are very much human and have needs, desires, fantasies and wishes and if that is so hard to accept then well screw you go back to the stoneage. We need to stop putting double standards on stuff like this, it is okay for both genders to have sex or to not have sex, whatever any individual is more comfortable with and with how many people they are comfortable with. Let’s concentrate more on not being so damn judgemental.

Self Acceptance

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This is gonna be a little bit about myself and the only reason why i’m doing it is because i know there are probably a lot of people struggling with this and i wanna let them know that it is okay.

Growing up i have never really even thought about it or considered it because i was very sure that i am only interested in boys which is also true but some time ago i have realized that this is not the only truth.

I have met someone at work who kinda gave me butterflies and soon became my crush, now i am not the only one who feels this way about this person  but it kinda made me wanna explore who the hell i actually am because this person was a woman. I needed a bit to realize that i also feel attracted to women which schocked ME the most. I took so many buzzfeed and other quizes but it actually never gave me the validation that i needed so i turned to the good old friend Tinder and no my intention wasn’t to sleep with but just to talk to a woman who is also interested in me and well this kinda gave me my proof and ability to accept that i have been living a lie my whole life.

Was it hard for me to accept it? Well i think if it wasn’t for one of my besties who is also the reason i am writing about this topic it would have been very hard, but she gave me so many advices, she made me talk about it, she made me give in and let myself feel whatever i’m supposed to feel and i think it’s very important to have a person in your life who is just gonna support you and not judge you and who is just really brutally honest with you and who makes you be brutally honest to yourself too.

What does this change in my life? Well since my self acceptance i kissed girls yes and that was even more mind blowing because then i really realized that it wakes up the same feelings as when i am kissing a man, which was just another conformation. In general it probably changes the fact that i am very open minded and that i am not looking for love in just one place, i can imagine myself being happy and having a nice life with both genders and that is something that’s very comforting. I have stopped searching for a ‘gender’ i started searching for love and no matter what gender the person is i am ready to love them.

Almost no one knows this and my friend asked me if i am ready to share this with the world, because there are a lot of people who would never think that i am bisexual or that i am going in that direction and probably would have opinions about it, so i knew that i was ready or knew that i am ready because i really don’t care what ANYONE has to say about it, neverthless if that’s my family or my friends. The biggest obstacle in this process was only myself and i succeded at overcoming it so how anyone else is going to deal with this fact about me is really none of my problems or worries. Am i scared of losing friends or family members? Well let me be honest. No. My FRIENDS or people who consider themselves my family would NEVER leave me, not because of my sexual orientation and not because i am a person who doesn’t care what gender is my future partner gonna be, if that’s the reason for them to not speak to me or not wanna have me around anymore i’m fine with it because i then also don’t wanna have them around.

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I have a very strong mindset and this didn’t happen overnight, i needed to overcome so many insecurities and self doubt, selfhatered, selfpitty, depression, selfharm that i have come to the point where i accept myself, with all my flaws, pros, cons, imperfections, that’s what makes me me and i am proud of who i am, i am proud of who am i becomming.
Of course i am not done growing and learning about myself but i think for a 21 year old i am doing pretty well and this is so important for everyone no matter if you are 16,10,20,28,40 or 60 it’s important to give yourself time to accept yourself, to get to know yourself and to learn how to love yourself because the approval from everyone in this world won’t mean a thing if you don’t give that approval to yourself.

Moja Croatia 🇭🇷

Since i am Croatian and i haven’t written anything in a while i decided to dedicate this post to the croats and croatian team.

Being in a finale of a world cup and this is the biggest game of croatia and the most significant one. We’ve shown the world that even if we’re such a small country that our hearts, will, dedication, passion and love for the country is much bigger.

There are players that grew up in a war, spent their childhood not really having any perspective and now they are the top of the world, doing all this hard work, playing with their hearts for their country, for all of us.

Tomorrow is not just a game, this world cup untied us croats from all over the world, we became one our country is sinking yes, but we still sings songs in one voice, we still love where we come from, we are still proud, we united, we became one, one nation that burns for their country. So that’s why tomorrow is special because we can watch those boys pour their hearts out on that field knowing they are doing it for us and we are standind right next to them.

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Neverthless if they win or lose they are already our heros, they played with their hearts and passion, they ignored every injury they stood up and fought with everything in them. The pride is bigger than anything in the world, i look at them, i look at the people and i just feel proud and happy to see how we all share the same love.

The dream came true, we are on top of the world, people who didn’t even know we exist are supporting us, are cheering for us, are sending us support, so tell me is there anything more beautiful than this?

So let’s play and support for croatia, for our colours, for our people, for our sea, for our fields, for our mountains, for our culture, let’s show the world what are 4 million people capable of, let’s show them that only the sky is the limit.

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To the world: I do it solo

 

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Did you know that as a woman the only thing you aspire to should be marriage?

Well apparently that’s the only important thing in our life, you know finish school, find a man, produce children. And i mean there are women who also want it to happen that way and that’s okay, everyone has different goals in life but whats with the rest of us?

I have been single for 3 years now, you know what i did instead of searching for a man? I travelled to France, Bulgaria, Italy, got 2 jobs, found an amazing group of friends, went to parties, concentrated more on the music, experimented with my style, went to a wedding as a maid of honor without a date and survived, got an apartment, moved out, reconnected with my father, got 2 cats and now i got a blog. You know what has been said to me? “But i wish you would find a partner so you could be happy”

Why do people think that i am not happy? Because i am socialy awkward? Because i’m anxious? My anxiety and depression are something i’ve learned to live with and no man or relationship or marriage could change that or have some impact on it.

Most women are not appreciated for their skills but for how many men they have or have not slept with. I never heard someone ask me how many languages do i speak, what inspires me, what direction is my life going, what am i passionate about, where do i wanna travel next, the sad reality is that most questions i get are „ so when do you wanna get married“, „how many kids do you plan on having“ .

All my achievements were made without a man in my life, i never had a special support from a male, all my best memories were made with my girls or my family, all my worst moments were caused by men and no i don‘t hate men i met amazing men and had great times with men but did they bring me something remarkable? No. And i mean they shouldn‘t, it‘s not their job to do so. But it‘s also not my job to worship men and think that my life is empty without someone by my side.

So the conclusion is:

If i meet someone no matter of their gender who i feel would fit in my life and my needs and would wanna share their time and there is a breakthaking connection then i‘m down for it because i am not settling down for less.

However if i don‘t meet someone like that and i stay alone with my cats for the rest of my life then be damn sure that i‘ll have the time of my life.

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Moving on from someone who was never yours

 

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I am dead tired right now but i‘m feeling inspired and i wanna write about this certain topic.

Losing someone you were in a relationship with takes place in a simple order. You break up, you get eachothers stuff, you burn what was left of the memories or things that remind you of one another. You erease all the pictures, videos etc.

But what happens when you have to move on from someone you never had those things with. Whats the chronological order to move on from someone who was never yours? We meet people in our lifes that shake our world but it never actually turns into a „thing“ so how the hell are you supposed to let go?

It‘s complicated, i guess. Seeing someone be happy without you when they actually never were happy WITH you. Do we all crave love so much that we create illusions in our head that something is going on even when it really isn‘t? Do we need to live with a constant „what if“ question in our brain? I have been in this situation countless times and yet i haven‘t learned what exactly is the order to let go of that illusion.

The thing is nothing really ever changed, you didn‘t have all of a sudden a significant other or were in a relationship, you just kept holding onto this idea of you two being together. So why is it so hard to let go of it?

I guess it‘s because we see something in that person that makes us think that we could be happy and it‘s actually us secretly wishing for this love story to happen but it actually never does happen.

I guess the best way to move on from someone who was never yours is to realize that they are not someone you‘re supposed to be with otherwise that would have happened, to convince yourself to stop wishful thinking.

Choose to be happy.

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“leaving is the hardest thing to do until you actually leave, then it’s the easiest thing to do”

 

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I come from a small town next to the capital of the Croatia, you could say i had an average life, went to school, had my group of friends, tried different hobbies until i found my passion for dancing. I wanted to do anything with tourism, spent my days on MSN, had the honour to watch Facebook develop. Lived for High School Musical, Camp Rock and Twilight. I come from a broken home. So at the age of 15 after i just started high school, after i just had my first kiss, my first cigarette, my life changed completely. All of a sudden i was in this country away from friends, away from family, away from home. I was angry, i didn’t understand why was all of this taken away from me, what did i do to deserve having my whole life taken away.

You could say that the rebel in me was getting even more rebellious, i closed myself in the room, finding an escape in Tumblr, music, make up tutorials and conspiracy theories. I didn’t want to have any contact to anyone, i was just so angry at the whole world.

I started school, i met few people but kept struggling with the language. Soon after that i met someone who is also today my bestfriend i guess we kept eachother going for all these years.

Now i have kinda built life here, i have my apartment, i have my cat, i am finishing my medical school, i work at a nightclub and i have my group of friends.

You probably think that i completely forgot my life in croatia and that i probably have no contact to people there, well you’re wrong. I am as often as i can in Croatia, i still have my circle there, still have most of my girls there, still have my house and my family there. Yes i built up a life somewhere else, yes it would be hard to leave it behind, but no where in the world am i gonna feel like i’m home except in Croatia. There is no words to describe the feeling when i open my old closet and see my middle school prom dress, my teakwondo kimono, my simpsons sheet. But Tena why don’t you take them with you, then you can have a piece of home with you. No, those things stay there where they belong, at home. Would i at some point go back to croatia? Yes, i am constantly thinking about it, i am constantly trying to find a way to go back. Am i crazy? There are over 91.750 people who moved out of Croatia in the last 7 years to find a better life, better job, better apartment, better car, better home. And it all looks perfect until you realize that all of that doesn’t replace home. All of this doesn’t replace your morning coffee in that local café, it doesn’t replace having neighbours walk in and out of your house because you know eachother your whole life, it doesn’t replace that weird neighbour who decides to mown the lawn on a saturday morning, it doesn’t replace getting drunk of bambus in your friends garden.

 

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Reading all of this probably makes you think i’ll pack my whole life in a suitcase and go back. And you’re right i will, someday.

As much as i wanna go back i also wanna go further, i am not done exploring this world, i am not done travelling, i am not done changing a few more residences. It was so hard to leave, it still is hard constantly saying goodbye, constantly leaving everything behind. But i know that i am not done exploring this world. A lot of people gave up on Croatia, i didn’t and i never will and i honestly think there is no better place to live than there. I never left Croatia to find something “better”. I left because back then i didn’t have no choice.

What would i tell people who are planning to move away from home?

Do it.

But don’t expect to find a home somewhere else, yes moving away changes you, you meet new people from all around the world, you live your life completely differently. Moving away makes you grow, makes you independant, makes you appreciate home more but it builds you, it builds your character.

Would i go back in time and stay?

Yes i would, i would finish my school there, i would spend my teenage years there. But at some point i would have left, i am not made to be kept in one place.

 

 “Travel makes you realize that no matter how much you know there is always something new to learn”

 

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