Knowing that you don‘t know what you want

Hi, hello.

I promised this long time ago but sorry life was happening.

I’m fine things happened, i got a new job, my bestfriend moved away then she moved back, another one is moving to munich, i met a lot of new people. Cats are doing fine. I got tattoos, like 6 of them in the past 6 months, i already have almost 3 trips planned for next year and approved vacation days so i have something to look forward to. I’m turning 23 in a month yaaay. I was in London, Vienna, some concerts, had a lot of girls nights where i obviously was drunk. I also had a situationship which kinda kept on going throughout the year but is happily over since i dont know a month or two.

What’s new is that after 4 years my family finally noticed that i’ve been single for a long time and suddenly everyone is determined to tell me how much they wish i had someone by my side. My grandma lost it as I posted a picture with a famous rapper because she was convinced it was my potential boyfriend and my eyes were smiling and sparkling differently (i have to say she has never seen me drunk and this is the explanation for the sparkling eyes) so i guess she contacted his label i don’t know. My father also subtly expressed his wish that i had a boyfriend and was concerned about what’s exactly wrong with me and why nobody wants me – he then advised me to take a shower and comb my hair for it may help me. My other grandma told me she doesn’t even see me getting married since all i do is watch disney and play with cats – i still don’t know if that was meant as a complaint or as a praise i mean i could be doing drugs and be a stripper. I also expressed my wish to go to Venice and got an answer ” get yourself a man who is gonna take you ” then of course my defensive independend and highly feministic self said that i can take my own damn self to Venice or to Kilimanjaro if i please, i don’t need a man for that ( how didn’t they see this comming) .

This high level of concern about my love life from both sides of my family got me thinking how did i survive the last 4 years single. I wonder how am i even alive. Yes this is sarcastic. I don’t know if maybe there is some secret cult that starts convincing your family that you’ll die alone if you don’t have a man by your side by 23. So of course naturally i’ve been trying to explain everyone that i am fine, that i am not crying myself to sleep with my cats every day wishing the love of my life threw pebbles at my window. As a matter of fact i have so much going on in my life that i don’t even know if i can manage being in a relationship, i got promoted at my job, started kinda a small bussiness with cakes, planned 3 trips for next year ( which no relationship would stop me from going to anyway ) – and naturally because all of this is going on i don’t know what i want anymore. I was supposed to move back to Croatia in September which obviously didn’t happen cause i accepted a job offer which I don’t regret at all because i got promoted after 3 months. I also have an option to move to London which i’m still considering as well as i’m still considering moving back to Croatia I am also considering about moving to a smaller city near Munich.

Basically i am all over the place, once the world opens up to you and you see all the possibilities – you get lost and you can’t figure out what exactly you want. So now i am sitting on my couch venting on the Internet about how i don’t know in what direction i want my life to go and how my family wants me to get married while there is a 16 year old girl trying to save the world from apocalypse and i bet marriage is the last thing on her mind.

And let me explain it’s not that i don’t want to be in love and have some amazing beautiful man next to me, it’s just that it would be unfair to pull someone into my chaos and i really don’t think i want to get commited in any country now because i can’t even figure out where i wanna live. And i feel like a relationship would play a big factor in that decision and i don’t want that, because i would then ONLY stay or ONLY move because of someone else and my feelings not because I wanted to. I don’t know if that made sense. I have so many possibilities to move forward with my career right now and i like having all the options available cause i don’t have to think about anyone else but myself and losing that or having to compromise or even sacrifice that makes me uncomfortable. You know if i get in a relationship in Munich then i can’t just move to Croatia then if i have someone in Croatia I can’t really take all of the trips because i have the responsibility to spend time with them or i would have to move to Croatia asap if they don’t want to come to Munich or we would break up which then also is a huge waist of time and effort. And that takes away my freedom to decide what i want based on just me. So if anyone asks this is why i’m single.

Literally because I know that I don’t know what I want or where I want it or how I want it or when I want it and i wanna take time with figuring it out. I feel like one day i’ll know what to do but right now I don’t and I need only myself in the process of figuring it out.

I am already excited about your Feedback or if you feel the same! Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Monster In my bed

I have been lacking the inspiration lately, but i’ve been reflecting and hearing different stories and decided i’ll go fully public about this. Neverthless who’s gonna read it. Because this is why i started this blog, to reach people through my own experiences.

Around 3 and a half years ago i’ve ended a 2 and a half years long relationship. When i met this person i was 17, it was the most random encounter and because of the circumstances under which we have met, it still makes me believe that it was meant to be for me to learn the lessons that i learned through him.

I am not gonna go through the timeline of how it started and to what has our relationship come at the end. What I am gonna talk about is emotional and mental manipulation, sexual abuse, mental abuse, control and how to deal with the aftermath.

Let me start with the fact that our break up wasn’t bad, no, not at all, i have never felt more fierce and in control that i did the day i ended it, what was bad was the whole relationship and no i’m not gonna get sentimentality into this and say we have had good moments, because all of the good moments were just the aftermath of him trying to make up for what he has done.

The relationship started with me finding out he has been dealing cocaine and also taking it, what ended up him threatening me with a knife because i tried to prevent the fight he almost got into with 3 guys who were 5 times bigger than him. I should have left at that very moment, i didn’t. Why? Because my 17 year old self believed i can fix him. What followed next were many breakdowns and tears from his side promising he is gonna change and he needs help, so how do you leave someone who is asking you for help, little did i know it’s gonna be a burden i’ll carry on my whole entire life. For you to understand the evolution of our relationship i’ll write few random points without much detail just so you can create a picture for yourself of what i believed was normal in a relationship.

– if i talked to his friends in his presence he would just leave and call me a whore

– if i didn’t reply for 20 minutes he would accuse me of cheating

– if i told him how certain things hurt me he would say i didn’t love him enough to forgive him

– if i fell asleep too early he would insult me and my family which would lead to him blocking me for at least 2 days

– if i would say no to certain sexual activity he would say that he would find someone who would do the things he wanted to, if that didn’t make me do it then he would break up with me

– if i would say no to something during the sexual activity he would ignore my crying and begging for him to stop

– if i sent him a picture of myself his response would be ” do you think you’re a model? “

– if i was at home bored and did my hair differently he would accuse me of going to a club behind his back

– he chose my friends ( at the end i didn’t have any )

– i came to him crying because i had some family issues he looked me dead in the eyes and told me to stop making the world revolve around me

– he told me in my face that he would sleep with my bestfriend because she is better looking than me

– he would bring me home and wait until my room light was on so he knows i’m inside

– i wasn’t allowed to any birthday parties or any social events with or without his presence

– if i was with a friend outside and some guy asked about a direction or anything simple as that i would have panick attacks and move like 5 meters away because i thought he’d see me and think we’re flirting

This is more than what i have ever told anyone and this was going on for over 2 years why? Because i was naive, yes it is my fault because i was afraid to leave, because he made me think that after him i’ll be alone, that nobody except him would ever love me because i’m worthless and this is what i believed. We are always afraid of the monsters in the dark streets at night, but what when the monster is sleeping right next to you?

What was a breaking point for me? It was a wednesday night and a school night for me, i fell asleep around 10 pm i woke up yet again to being blocked and countless messages from him insulting me. So i went to school, had a complete mental breakdown and God thanks for the girls in that school that day because i had 15 girls around me telling me to stop, to end it, that our relationship has reached an unreachable level of toxicity, that i need to realize that i don’t need him, that i am strong and i can’t even tell you how much strength their empowering gave me. After 2,5 years i was strong enough to end it, to leave. My bestfriend ( hello Nuni) played a huge role in this break up, she was in on it for weeks and at first i didn’t listen to her, so that thursday after he decided i was worth his attention again and not taking me serious when i said no more it’s over, i finally cut him completely off of my social media, blocked his number, completely erased his existance i called her and i remember crying on the phone barely breathing and telling her “this feels more like a relief than pain”. And from that day on she was there, every day, every minute, everytime i felt like i wanted to go back she was there to remind me why not to do so. She and those girls in school saved my life and no they didn’t do it instead of me, i did it myself, i left but i left because they gave me strength, because they believed in me more than i did.

I don’t even need to mention how much he begged for me to come back, it took months and even now recently he tried again.

But did this strength and empowerment delete my trauma and my pain? No.

I got out of that relationship broken into a million pieces, traumatised, vulnerable, weak and insecure. The trance state that i was in because i was finally free, lasted for about 3-4 months and then the PTSD kicked in, suddenly i started experiencing panick attacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety and even though i tried to hide it i was living with it constantly because i finally wrote a list of every traumatising experience i had with him and finally realized that i was a victim of mental, emotional and sexual abuse and i couldn’t wrap my head around it, i DIDN’T wanna be a victim. I didn’t wanna have to say ” i have been through this ” i didn’t want peoples pity. So the first person i talked about this was again my bestfriend and i was so ashamed i remember not even being able to look her in the eyes, because i felt like my dignity, my secrecy and my purity was completely demolished. So everything that i was trying to suppress during those traumatic experiences i started feeling all at once. I didn’t wanna tell my family that i was sexually assaulted from someone i loved and that same person had told me ” if you loved me i wouldn’t have to use the force ” this sentence is stuck in my mind. And i remember it everyday. I didn’t wanna go to the therapy and talk about it, i didn’t wanna do any of that, i didn’t want it to be real. And it took long long long time for me to be even able to accept that this experience is a part of me. That yes a part of my soul was taken in that relationship but the part that’s still left i’ll use in the best way possible. So when i couldn’t deal with it anymore i seeked help in a hotline and talked to a woman on the line for almost an hour told her everything how it happened, when it happened and she said it outloud ” you have been a victim of a sexual abuse ” and she made me say it outloud that’s when i realized it really did happen.

So now i had to recover from all of those wounds, i had to find something that’s gonna help me because i wasn’t ready to talk about it. I pushed every guy away because i just didn’t know how to tell them the truth. But it happened, this year i shared my story with couple more people and they would always tell me ” you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to ” but i wanted to, it has become important to me for people close to me to know my story and to know that if they ever experienced or God forbid experience something like that to know that i am there and that i understand. Because i do understand how it feels to feel so ashamed, so afraid to talk about it to tell anyone because you know they can’t understand. And if it didn’t happen to them they never will be able to understand. And that’s okay don’t blame them. But there are people who do understand and it’s okay to search help, because I after more than 3 years finally feel ready to search for help and i am ready to help others who went through what i did.

What i want all of you who are gonna read this to know is that you need to recognize the signs of any kind of abuse and leave, find a person you can trust ask them for help and leave, if necessary go to police. You need to realize how precious your life is and that you are NOT worthless or alone.

There are so many young girls and boys who get into toxic relationships thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be. But it’s not. Love is not supposed to hurt, ever. Please remember that and at the first signs of abuse you don’t try to save them, you leave and save yourself, that should be a priority, always.

You wanna know how am i dealing with relationships? I’m not. I gave myself time to deal with it and a lot of time to come to this point where i accept who i am and my past, the trauma followed by it is still there but i am working on it and if someone comes around who is ready to work on it with me then i am finally ready to give it a chance.

But this blog post isn’t about me. It is my story but what i want out of it is for people to know that if they need someone to talk about those topics to know that they are not alone. Me telling my story might give someone strength to finally leave that relationship or to finally search for help or just share their story with me if they want to. I felt alone for such a long time, i felt like i didn’t have voice or that no one would listen. But there are people who care and you are never, ever alone.

Put yourself first, please.