Do you believe in life after love?

* Alexa play Cher Believe *

If I’m the expert at anything then it’s moving on and dealing with broken heart. And no i didn’t give this title to myself but since 5th grade EVERYONE thinks that I’m specialized in this area for whatever reason cause I can assure you that in my almost 23 years of life i have smaller amount of dating experience than anyone who comes to me for advice but ok i guess my healing aura attracts all the broken souls so, come to me my children.

No but for real, lately i’ve had some friends dealing with some bullshit, being cheated on, being ghosted, being treated wrong and they all act like it’s the end of the world and before you tell me ” but Tena it is the end of the world ” let me tell you, it’s not. But i needed a lot to get here and to see those experiences as the crucial part of life that we all went or go through. If you know me or somehow gave shit enough to read my entire blog ( congratulations on that by the way) there is the one called ” monster in my bed ” that explains my only relationship and if you read that first and then read this afterwards you’ll understand what i mean.

So let’s first make clear that you don’t need to be in a relationship to get your heart broken, you can get your heart broken by literally anyone you get attached to which try to avoid i mean a good connection with someone is great but never ever ever ever ever in your life let your happiness depend on someone else.

In todays society very popular type of a relationship is not being in one, instead waste eachothers time, grow feelings, fuck occasionally but like never ever consider getting committed cause who has time for that right? Let’s just be confused about eachother for uncertain period of time until one of us plays the ghosting card. The problem with this is that one party is usually head over heels in love and thinks that one day they are gonna be enough for the other party to love them. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, probably not gonna happen. Let’s do the whole protocol shall we? You meet a guy ( i am gonna talk about men cause i have no idea how female fuckboys do it so don’t get all pissed at me i know there are bad women out there too), you talk, he is funny, he invests a lot of time into communication with you, he is sweet, he is a snack and you wonder how did you get so lucky. Then you have your first meeting (they are never gonna call it a date) and he is kind, he is a real gentleman, you want him to meet your grandma right away. You come home you dance to cringy Taylor Swift 2011 Album because you are on the cloud nine. Then sometimes on the same evening or maybe few days later but almost ALWAYS before the second meeting (cause it’s not a date) the sentence comes “i am actually not searching for anything serious”…..okay? Thanks for saying that like maybe right fucking away? So now all the girls on this planet are like schocked, they send screenshots to their friends, they panic, they are hyperventilating, listening to Taylor Swift again but this time the angry country songs ( Alexa play Taylor Swift – Picture to burn ) the whole world comes crashing down. You know what then happens? They mostly agree to it. Why? Nobody on this fucking planet knows, but I do. I’ll tell you why, if you ask them why they don’t want anything serious usually the answer is gonna be “my ex just fucked me up 12 years ago you know i can’t really open up to anyone but i really like you and i wanna know how this goes but right now i’m not ready for a relationship” or personally my favorite ” i have a lot going on right now and everything is so hard and i need to figure out myself and who i am but i really like you and don’t wanna pull you into my mess” 😂 the first time i ever used this smiley in a blog but i am literally laughing out loud. So since we women never have any problems in our lifes and we spend time searching for a husband because everything we aspire to in life is marriage, we deal with this situation with our maternal instinct because we want to fix them and think if we show how understanding and loving and great we are they are gonna fall in love and we’ll birth them 10 children. Stop thinking that way and i can assure you if you are reading this consider again if you want to continue to read cause i’ll be throwing some hard truth out there. So now that you’ve agreed to be his cum dumpster while he figures himself out i’ll tell you how this will go, he is gonna call you occasionally for a good time, he is even maybe gonna open up to you and tell you how horrible his life is so you feel like you should never complain about anything he does cause you’ll make his life even harder. He is gonna throw the jelaousy card and you wont be seeing other people cause you are sure one day he’ll see what he has by his side. I’m sorry to break it to you but he wont. Cause it was never even an option for him. As a matter of fact as soon as he finds a new one he is gonna go away or he is gonna tell you about it and give you an option to deal with it and if you are stupid enough because you’re in love you might play along or you’ll be smart and tell him to fuck off. Anyway in 90% of these kind of relationship it’s gonna end up bad, mostly for you, cause sorry to break it to you but he really doesn’t give a fuck. The best way to deal with this is not to. If you already have feelings for him when the ball drops about him not wanting anything serious, you just go, you don’t try, you don’t fix him, you just go. It’s hard i know you really had high hopes, you thought you met a great guy but you need to have that amount of self respect to just tell yourself ” no i want something serious and i am not settling down for a little bit of love when it’s convenient for them”. It’s gonna leave you feeling like you are worthless and not good enough. It’s not worth it, no matter how great the sex is, it’s not worth your mental health, cause if he wanted to be with you, he would, there would be no excuses, no stupid explanations, if he wanted to he would and i know it’s hard to comprehend that but it’s the sad truth. Cut the bullshit straight at the beginning. If however you already are in this mess and you are unhappy cause after months he is still only around when he needs a relief, collect yourself and go. Without a comment, don’t try to change his mind, don’t explain shit to him, just go, cry, scream, break things but get out of that situation cause it’s unhealthy and it’s only gonna leave you miserable. And you’ll see once you’re over it you’re gonna think “damn that bitch Tena was right”. I’ve been that dumb once, and i’m thankful for that because it teached me what exactly i don’t want and it teached me to respect me and my body and to love myself first. That’s why i’m furious when I see girls going through that because they consciously let someone treat them as a toy. Just be smart, control your emotions, remember what you wanted out of it at the beggining and realize having him for an hour every now and then when he wants to is not what you deserve.

Okay now that i wrote a whole book about fuckboys it’s time to turn to cheaters.

So personally for me there is no forgiveness, i forgive a lot, i have a lot of understanding for a lot of things and i tolerate a lot but cheating is not one of them. And if you are dealing with that right now, i wanna tell you that there is NOTHING wrong with you, this is not your fault and if anyone ever tries to tell you it is spit in their face literally just spit in their face. You are not accountable for someones actions and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. If they want to cheat they are gonna cheat. So if you found out recently or long time ago but are still dealing with the consequences, i just want you to know that it does get better, you will stop blaming yourself, you will be able to feel beautiful again and i really hope when you’re ready you’ll meet someone who is gonna treat you the way you deserve. Being cheated on is also the reason to be real petty. So if they are cheating on you, it’s okay to get a revenge ( break their car, sleep with their brother i mean the options are endless) and let them call you crazy, better crazy than being dumb and let them cheat. Or if you want to deal with it with morals then also just go, in silence, take care of yourself, give yourself time to heal and never ever let them come back. You NEED to have enough respect for yourself to understand that someone gave the same thing they gave to you to someone else, you were pressured to share someone you love because they can’t control their dick or vagina or whatever they have. If they did it once, they will do it again. And I know it’s hard cause it was probably a long relationship or even worse marriage but you deserve so much more than that, you deserve someone who is never gonna think about someone else. You deserve that endless, cheesy love where you never have to question their loyalty. I also understand there are a lot of different situations and sometimes people work through it, or they both do it and they give their all to fix their relationship. I am just telling you my opinion, cause i’ve seen families break apart, i’ve seen crazy stuff happening because of cheating and I personally can’t find a bone in myself that justifies cheating. But i’ve also seen people heal from it, i’ve seen people fight through the trauma of being cheated on and i’ve seen people be in happy relationships after all of it. I guess what i’m trying to tell you that no matter how hard it is, how worthless you feel it does get better, you just need to find that strength whitin you, you have to be your own hero and you have to believe that it’s not your fault, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And that you are not accountable for someone elses actions.

So i could name 204738 other situations that lead to a heartbreak but i guess i will just put it this way. Sometimes the people we are in a relationship with or the people we are involved with in any way turn out to be someone else, sometimes things fall apart, sometimes people grow apart, sometimes it’s just not meant to be, sometimes we fall in love just to learn a lesson. There are so many different situations, reasons, circumstances, traumatic experiences, toxicity, unhealthy involvement or sometimes you are just not as compatible as you thought you were. And i guess it takes a lot to come to the stage where I am right now and i don’t know if it was my traumatic experience and few disappointments afterwards that created the mindset that i have today, which i’m not saying is the best one cause i still have difficulties when it comes to dating ( yaaay me) and i’m still trying to figure out how things exactly work myself. We all always say “love is complicated” but it’s not, we make it complicated by not being honest, with lack of consistency, with uncertainty, with projecting our traumas on other people, by believing everyone is gonna treat us badly like the previous person did.

Everyone is gonna get heartbroken at some point in their life, actually everyone is gonna get heartbroken a few times until they learn how to love and respect themselves and their needs and standards. It’s part of life, we love, we get hurt and we learn how to deal with it. And after some time there is life after love, you heal at some point, you learn how to let go, you learn how to deal with it. You understand that you can’t change people, that you can’t fix someone who doesn’t wanna be fixed, that actions of other people do not depend on you. And you learn how to love yourself enough to understand what you want and need in life and you never settle for less. Even if that means that you have to be alone for a certain amount of time and trust me it’s not as bad and scary as it seems, you get to know yourself, you experience things by yourself which make you grow, you have time to find out what exactly you want. Pain is temporary, healing takes time but it’s worth it and sometimes the life after love is even better because you allow someone to enter your life who is never gonna make you wonder if there is life after love ( i just repeated that sentence 5 times i know) cause that love is gonna stay.

* Alexa play Lizzo – Truth Hurts *

Now for all of you heartbroken women and men, chin up, fix your crown, remember they could have had a bad bitch ( can you call men bitch too?) , remember who the fuck you are and move on. It really isn’t the end of the world. ❤️

Inspiration, Goals, Writing and Self Care

So i wrote few songs lately…again. I think my first song was called something about with snowflake i don’t know i just know it was like 10 years ago.

I don’t even know why i stopped writing songs or writing in general i really enjoy writing, i love quotes, i love writing songs, i love books. And i would really like to write a book i just don’t know what exactly i should write about. My tragic and melancholic love life or even more tragic and complicated family situation. I don’t know if i should write about dragons and gargoyles and fairies and magic or if i should just write something real. I haven’t decided yet if i want people to escape their reality while reading my book or if i want them to read something they can relate to and know that they are not alone. But i know i want people to feel something. I wrote my last two songs at most random places, one was the bust that was driving me to Croatia and another one was at work. And it was such a relief because everything that i felt over last few months or last year i put into words and the songs turned out to be something i’d also listen to and now i guess the inspiration keeps on comming because i have so many things i wanna write about and i have so many ideas that i don’t even know where to start. I guess before i didn’t really know how to open up and put my feelings out there, i was afraid that it’s gonna be too raw and too honest and they would immediately know the song or the post was about them but now i don’t really care i don’t really have the fear of putting myself out there.

And this came pretty suddenly. At the end of the last year i started cutting off people one by one, i started breaking the contact with people without an explanation because i don’t feel like i owned them one and i still feel that way, i spent last year pretty much drinking and partying and don’t get me wrong i mean i had fun but at the end of the year i realized i’m not doing anything with my life anymore. I stopped writing, i kinda stopped singing i stopped doing everything i enjoyed to do. I tried some substances to see if it’s gonna have any affection on me and it did it made me realize what kind of person i don’t want to be. It made me realize that i don’t want to live life of a party and i wanna go back to my artistic life. I stopped taking care of my body, kinda stopped my vegeterian life (which i’m btw back to) i was eating badly, drinking a lot, partying a lot, working a lot and at the end i was just so sad, i was so done, i was so tired and then the depression kicked back in. I didn’t go to work for 4 weeks, the first two weeks i stayed at home, i literally told everyone i knew that i was sick which i was just not the flu like everyone thought, i binge watched series and i didn’t even bother to get out of the bed. Until I went to Croatia then i spent two weeks there and i kinda came back to life.

And in those two weeks i have made so many decisions, so many changes i suddenly had a plan. A vision and my inspiration was back.

The only resolutions i have this year is to stay healthy, to create much more than i did last year, to let my artistic spirit out, to try my hardest to be happy and to listen to my intuition and my body. And that’s something i’m already doing. I’m writing and i will try to start writing a book this year, because i finished my med school and i never in 1000 years thought that i would be capable of finishing a med school and not in my language but in german in Germany so you know since i know that i made it i kinda just think if i did that then maybe i’m also capable of using my writing skills to write a book, to really just get out there, or to show my songs to someone.

I know this is more of a rant post and i don’t know if anyone is interesting in me just writing out the things i want to do but i guess i just want to tell anyone who is struggling right now to find any motivation or inspiration to just quit the toxic things or people out, because it really gives you a freedom of mind, it just feels like a HUGE detox and you start thinking clearly which leads closure or maybe not but i promise your inspiration will be back. This post was also kind of a reminder to take care of yourself because as soon as you start doing it, wonderful things will happen.

Your mind and your body are the only things you have to deal with for the rest of your life, nothing is more important than that.

Time to say goodbye?

As i am sitting in a car making one last stop before i head back to Munich i feel like i can’t breathe and no this isn’t the typicall “oh i don’t wanna go back to work” mood it literally feels like a panick attack.

I never really felt this way about a place or a city, however i feel that way about people all the time. What makes me wonder is, do i feel this way about Munich because of the people in my life? Do toxic people destroy the love i have for the city because i automatically connect the city to the people? Does anyone has any similar experience?

I feel like i don’t belong there, there like i am constantly trying to fit in without success. I don’t like who i am becoming there, i have never been more lonely in my life even though my circle of people keeps growing. I am working so much and so hard that i forgot how to live, i forgot that i am spending the best year of my life, my youth at work, turning into a lifeless robot.

Why don’t i just quit? Because life in Munich is pretty expensive, i live alone i pay everything by myself and i am gonna be honest it’s still not enough, not with a full sallary and another over the weekend job. So as i am just slightly managing to survive i am forgetting that i could die tomorrow and that the life isn’t about paying bills (which you should definately do) but it’s not the most important thing. We shouldn’t be living to pay bills.

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If i don’t like it there why don’t i just go? I never said i’m gonna stay in Munich. But i am not legal for a long time, i was still in school, i needed to get on my own feet, i needed to give the city a chance.

And i did, oh boy over and over again and don’t get me wrong, Munich is one of the most beautiful cities in the world but i never experienced anything so remarkable and so breathtaking or anything that made me really feel alive there. I met so many people, some of them are the bestest friends i could ever have and that was a blessing and something that i am so grateful for.

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So i decided i’m gonna explore my options, maybe find some other job, maybe quit the second job, maybe find another city, maybe another country, maybe i’ll go work over the summer, maybe i’ll go back home to Croatia. I don’t know i have endless options that i need to study and find whats best for ME and well of course my cats.

If you experienced anything similar please let me know, i believe people can always help eachother.

Moja Croatia 🇭🇷

Since i am Croatian and i haven’t written anything in a while i decided to dedicate this post to the croats and croatian team.

Being in a finale of a world cup and this is the biggest game of croatia and the most significant one. We’ve shown the world that even if we’re such a small country that our hearts, will, dedication, passion and love for the country is much bigger.

There are players that grew up in a war, spent their childhood not really having any perspective and now they are the top of the world, doing all this hard work, playing with their hearts for their country, for all of us.

Tomorrow is not just a game, this world cup untied us croats from all over the world, we became one our country is sinking yes, but we still sings songs in one voice, we still love where we come from, we are still proud, we united, we became one, one nation that burns for their country. So that’s why tomorrow is special because we can watch those boys pour their hearts out on that field knowing they are doing it for us and we are standind right next to them.

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Neverthless if they win or lose they are already our heros, they played with their hearts and passion, they ignored every injury they stood up and fought with everything in them. The pride is bigger than anything in the world, i look at them, i look at the people and i just feel proud and happy to see how we all share the same love.

The dream came true, we are on top of the world, people who didn’t even know we exist are supporting us, are cheering for us, are sending us support, so tell me is there anything more beautiful than this?

So let’s play and support for croatia, for our colours, for our people, for our sea, for our fields, for our mountains, for our culture, let’s show the world what are 4 million people capable of, let’s show them that only the sky is the limit.

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back to winter

I don’t know why but i was never really a fan of wednesdays and thursdays. I never really figured out why or what was about these days that make me feel anxious.

And while i see women in all kind of outfits, summer dresses, reyban sunglasses, jimmy choo sandals i feel like i miss winter.

There is something about winter that gives me comfort i don’t know if it’s the big sweaters, the blankets or a warm cup of tea. Maybe it is because i am a winter baby.

Don’t get me wrong i love summer but i love summer only when i’m on the beach drinking cocktails. There is just something about starbucks dates, cozy sweaters, christmas that makes me happy.