Knowing that you don‘t know what you want

Hi, hello.

I promised this long time ago but sorry life was happening.

I’m fine things happened, i got a new job, my bestfriend moved away then she moved back, another one is moving to munich, i met a lot of new people. Cats are doing fine. I got tattoos, like 6 of them in the past 6 months, i already have almost 3 trips planned for next year and approved vacation days so i have something to look forward to. I’m turning 23 in a month yaaay. I was in London, Vienna, some concerts, had a lot of girls nights where i obviously was drunk. I also had a situationship which kinda kept on going throughout the year but is happily over since i dont know a month or two.

What’s new is that after 4 years my family finally noticed that i’ve been single for a long time and suddenly everyone is determined to tell me how much they wish i had someone by my side. My grandma lost it as I posted a picture with a famous rapper because she was convinced it was my potential boyfriend and my eyes were smiling and sparkling differently (i have to say she has never seen me drunk and this is the explanation for the sparkling eyes) so i guess she contacted his label i don’t know. My father also subtly expressed his wish that i had a boyfriend and was concerned about what’s exactly wrong with me and why nobody wants me – he then advised me to take a shower and comb my hair for it may help me. My other grandma told me she doesn’t even see me getting married since all i do is watch disney and play with cats – i still don’t know if that was meant as a complaint or as a praise i mean i could be doing drugs and be a stripper. I also expressed my wish to go to Venice and got an answer ” get yourself a man who is gonna take you ” then of course my defensive independend and highly feministic self said that i can take my own damn self to Venice or to Kilimanjaro if i please, i don’t need a man for that ( how didn’t they see this comming) .

This high level of concern about my love life from both sides of my family got me thinking how did i survive the last 4 years single. I wonder how am i even alive. Yes this is sarcastic. I don’t know if maybe there is some secret cult that starts convincing your family that you’ll die alone if you don’t have a man by your side by 23. So of course naturally i’ve been trying to explain everyone that i am fine, that i am not crying myself to sleep with my cats every day wishing the love of my life threw pebbles at my window. As a matter of fact i have so much going on in my life that i don’t even know if i can manage being in a relationship, i got promoted at my job, started kinda a small bussiness with cakes, planned 3 trips for next year ( which no relationship would stop me from going to anyway ) – and naturally because all of this is going on i don’t know what i want anymore. I was supposed to move back to Croatia in September which obviously didn’t happen cause i accepted a job offer which I don’t regret at all because i got promoted after 3 months. I also have an option to move to London which i’m still considering as well as i’m still considering moving back to Croatia I am also considering about moving to a smaller city near Munich.

Basically i am all over the place, once the world opens up to you and you see all the possibilities – you get lost and you can’t figure out what exactly you want. So now i am sitting on my couch venting on the Internet about how i don’t know in what direction i want my life to go and how my family wants me to get married while there is a 16 year old girl trying to save the world from apocalypse and i bet marriage is the last thing on her mind.

And let me explain it’s not that i don’t want to be in love and have some amazing beautiful man next to me, it’s just that it would be unfair to pull someone into my chaos and i really don’t think i want to get commited in any country now because i can’t even figure out where i wanna live. And i feel like a relationship would play a big factor in that decision and i don’t want that, because i would then ONLY stay or ONLY move because of someone else and my feelings not because I wanted to. I don’t know if that made sense. I have so many possibilities to move forward with my career right now and i like having all the options available cause i don’t have to think about anyone else but myself and losing that or having to compromise or even sacrifice that makes me uncomfortable. You know if i get in a relationship in Munich then i can’t just move to Croatia then if i have someone in Croatia I can’t really take all of the trips because i have the responsibility to spend time with them or i would have to move to Croatia asap if they don’t want to come to Munich or we would break up which then also is a huge waist of time and effort. And that takes away my freedom to decide what i want based on just me. So if anyone asks this is why i’m single.

Literally because I know that I don’t know what I want or where I want it or how I want it or when I want it and i wanna take time with figuring it out. I feel like one day i’ll know what to do but right now I don’t and I need only myself in the process of figuring it out.

I am already excited about your Feedback or if you feel the same! Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.