Inspiration, Goals, Writing and Self Care

So i wrote few songs lately…again. I think my first song was called something about with snowflake i don’t know i just know it was like 10 years ago.

I don’t even know why i stopped writing songs or writing in general i really enjoy writing, i love quotes, i love writing songs, i love books. And i would really like to write a book i just don’t know what exactly i should write about. My tragic and melancholic love life or even more tragic and complicated family situation. I don’t know if i should write about dragons and gargoyles and fairies and magic or if i should just write something real. I haven’t decided yet if i want people to escape their reality while reading my book or if i want them to read something they can relate to and know that they are not alone. But i know i want people to feel something. I wrote my last two songs at most random places, one was the bust that was driving me to Croatia and another one was at work. And it was such a relief because everything that i felt over last few months or last year i put into words and the songs turned out to be something i’d also listen to and now i guess the inspiration keeps on comming because i have so many things i wanna write about and i have so many ideas that i don’t even know where to start. I guess before i didn’t really know how to open up and put my feelings out there, i was afraid that it’s gonna be too raw and too honest and they would immediately know the song or the post was about them but now i don’t really care i don’t really have the fear of putting myself out there.

And this came pretty suddenly. At the end of the last year i started cutting off people one by one, i started breaking the contact with people without an explanation because i don’t feel like i owned them one and i still feel that way, i spent last year pretty much drinking and partying and don’t get me wrong i mean i had fun but at the end of the year i realized i’m not doing anything with my life anymore. I stopped writing, i kinda stopped singing i stopped doing everything i enjoyed to do. I tried some substances to see if it’s gonna have any affection on me and it did it made me realize what kind of person i don’t want to be. It made me realize that i don’t want to live life of a party and i wanna go back to my artistic life. I stopped taking care of my body, kinda stopped my vegeterian life (which i’m btw back to) i was eating badly, drinking a lot, partying a lot, working a lot and at the end i was just so sad, i was so done, i was so tired and then the depression kicked back in. I didn’t go to work for 4 weeks, the first two weeks i stayed at home, i literally told everyone i knew that i was sick which i was just not the flu like everyone thought, i binge watched series and i didn’t even bother to get out of the bed. Until I went to Croatia then i spent two weeks there and i kinda came back to life.

And in those two weeks i have made so many decisions, so many changes i suddenly had a plan. A vision and my inspiration was back.

The only resolutions i have this year is to stay healthy, to create much more than i did last year, to let my artistic spirit out, to try my hardest to be happy and to listen to my intuition and my body. And that’s something i’m already doing. I’m writing and i will try to start writing a book this year, because i finished my med school and i never in 1000 years thought that i would be capable of finishing a med school and not in my language but in german in Germany so you know since i know that i made it i kinda just think if i did that then maybe i’m also capable of using my writing skills to write a book, to really just get out there, or to show my songs to someone.

I know this is more of a rant post and i don’t know if anyone is interesting in me just writing out the things i want to do but i guess i just want to tell anyone who is struggling right now to find any motivation or inspiration to just quit the toxic things or people out, because it really gives you a freedom of mind, it just feels like a HUGE detox and you start thinking clearly which leads closure or maybe not but i promise your inspiration will be back. This post was also kind of a reminder to take care of yourself because as soon as you start doing it, wonderful things will happen.

Your mind and your body are the only things you have to deal with for the rest of your life, nothing is more important than that.

Love is Love

I can’t help but write about this topic, because it makes me sick to my stomach.

Let’s start the post this way, i come from a beautiful country of Croatia unfortunately people’s souls are not as beautiful there. It is a pretty ” religious ” and primitive country, the mindset of the people is kinda similar to those in the Stone Age. So the main topic lately has been a gay couple trying to adopt a child that has been abused by her father, so of course the child was taken away and was put into the orphanage or let’s call it ” the system”. So surprisingly the Child Services approved the adoption but the chancellor of the orpahange refused to sign the final approval. Of course the couple went to the media with their story and the comments are disturbing. The hate that’s been spread about gay community is just inhuman.

I have been someone who grew up with a homophobic father and of course you would think that i would turn out to be one too but no, i was fighting against homophobia since very beggining, i remember my dad asking me ” what if one of them wants to do something with your brother would you still accept it” and i remember telling him ” if he wants it then yeah i would accept it ” and my father was furious and back then i didn’t understand why, why would love between two people awaken such anger and hate in other people. And i still don’t understand it. Why is only the love between man and a woman considered normal? Why can’t a person decide whom they want to love without being judged, why is something so beautiful as trying to help a child to get out of the system and grow up in a loving home considered as a sin? Why do people need to be concerned about their safety because they are in love?

I have been told from few people that i know that when they read my comments on articles about homosexuality they don’t understand why am i speaking out and that i should stop, well i won’t stop, i will never stop, i will stop when homophobia is completely out of this world, i will stop when people stop being assholes and when they stop telling someone whom to love or consider or even worse treat homosexuality as a mental illness. I will never stop fighting for human rights, i will never stop speaking about it and i will never be quiet when someone is being treated like trash.

People like them always mention religion when it comes to this topic and i really have no idea what God are they praying to because the God that i know and that i believe in loves everyone, he accepts everyone and would never send someone to ” hell ” because they loved someone. The God that i believe in doesn’t tolerate hate and bullying, God that i believe in chooses love no matter what kind of love that is.

If a child is raised by homosexual parents they are gonna be bullied or turn out as homosexual too? Bullshit. Kids nowdays don’t need a reason to bully someone, they would bully a child if it wears glasses and it’s not right, bullying is a serious issue but you know who should be banned from having children? Anyone who is racist, sexist and homophobic because parents with those characteristics mostly raise bullies because they do not teach their kids acceptance and love only hate and resentment. So if i was to choose whom to give a child it would always be a loving couple instead to people who preach hate.

Every human has the right to love whoever they want, every human deserves to be loved.

The same goes for women rights, children rights, immigrant rights. It’s called human rights, it’s what every single person on this planet deserves and no preaching hate is not your freedom of speech it’s just you being an asshole.

And I alone can’t change the world but that doesn’t mean i’ll be quiet because if everyone thought they should be quiet because as an individual you can’t change anything then nothing is ever gonna change, maybe me speaking about it is gonna give others the courage and like that we can build a chain of activists who can’t be silenced and then we might change something.

” I choose to defent the human rights because i cannot maintain my silence in the face of injustice “

the law of love

I’ve got my heart broken so many times i’ve stopped keeping track. I am a person who always tries to see good in people, someone who always wants to believe that there is more good than bad and let me tell you something, only when i learned that you can’t change certain things or can’t affect certain things and how others act is when i realized that just because they have broken your heart it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person.

We live in a generation where we hide our feelings, we all try to be as cold as possible so we don’t get hurt. But is it worth it? Is it worth living a life without love just because we are scared of what might happen?

But first what does this word “love” mean? No it’s not just posting couple pictures on social media, it’s not just having eachother names in Instagram bio.

It’s the feeling of comfort and security. It’s knowing you have someone who makes you feel so happy that no matter what happens you feel at peace because you have that one person.

It’s screaming and fighting, fighting for the love, fighting to solve the problem because throwing away what you have is not an option.

It’s falling asleep in eachothers arms, it’s waking up and starting your day with a kiss. It’s dancing together, it’s making eachother laugh.

It’s motivating eachother to build a life that’s gonna make you happy induvidually but also as a couple. It’s believing in one another to make your dreams come true.

It’s having the mutual support. It’s compromising about certain things, it’s trusting.

It’s building a life together, it’s spending time together but also giving eachother space.

It’s two individual lifes that match together.

It is so hard to find something like that nowdays, don’t ask me why. I guess people are satisfied with one night with different people instead of every night with the same person.

I guess people don’t value the secrecy of love anymore. We hurt other people so we don’t get hurt, we push away others so we wouldn’t be pushed away. We don’t take risks anymore, we don’t fight for something when we want it anymore.

And no you don’t necessarily need another person to feel complete and live a happy life, your happiness depends only on you. But i’ve been single now for 3 years and i have built my life completely alone, i’ve done things alone, i’ve learned how to enjoy my company, i have learned so much about myself but let me tell you something i do miss having someone who’s gonna hold me after a long bad day.

I do miss having a comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who’s gonna care about me and who’s gonna accept me with all my flaws and insecurities.

It’s not about finding a perfect person, it’s about accepting someones soul, it’s realizing that they are gonna have bad days, that it’s not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies, that it’s not always gonna be 50-50 that sometimes it’s gonna be 80-20 but that it’s worth fighting for it.

And yes even i do lately crave love i am not settling for anything less that i deserve and nor should any woman or man do that.

Figure yourself out first, learn about yourself first, be alone for some time and love will find you, it will match you with someone who fits you like a glove.

And then my dear the magic is going to happen.

Moving on from someone who was never yours

 

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I am dead tired right now but i‘m feeling inspired and i wanna write about this certain topic.

Losing someone you were in a relationship with takes place in a simple order. You break up, you get eachothers stuff, you burn what was left of the memories or things that remind you of one another. You erease all the pictures, videos etc.

But what happens when you have to move on from someone you never had those things with. Whats the chronological order to move on from someone who was never yours? We meet people in our lifes that shake our world but it never actually turns into a „thing“ so how the hell are you supposed to let go?

It‘s complicated, i guess. Seeing someone be happy without you when they actually never were happy WITH you. Do we all crave love so much that we create illusions in our head that something is going on even when it really isn‘t? Do we need to live with a constant „what if“ question in our brain? I have been in this situation countless times and yet i haven‘t learned what exactly is the order to let go of that illusion.

The thing is nothing really ever changed, you didn‘t have all of a sudden a significant other or were in a relationship, you just kept holding onto this idea of you two being together. So why is it so hard to let go of it?

I guess it‘s because we see something in that person that makes us think that we could be happy and it‘s actually us secretly wishing for this love story to happen but it actually never does happen.

I guess the best way to move on from someone who was never yours is to realize that they are not someone you‘re supposed to be with otherwise that would have happened, to convince yourself to stop wishful thinking.

Choose to be happy.

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back to winter

I don’t know why but i was never really a fan of wednesdays and thursdays. I never really figured out why or what was about these days that make me feel anxious.

And while i see women in all kind of outfits, summer dresses, reyban sunglasses, jimmy choo sandals i feel like i miss winter.

There is something about winter that gives me comfort i don’t know if it’s the big sweaters, the blankets or a warm cup of tea. Maybe it is because i am a winter baby.

Don’t get me wrong i love summer but i love summer only when i’m on the beach drinking cocktails. There is just something about starbucks dates, cozy sweaters, christmas that makes me happy.

Purpose

I have been dealing with finding a purpose my whole life. And thinking that i am not the only one feeling this way always kept me up at night. So why is that?

Why do we struggle with finding a purpose when we almost always know what we’re passionate about. We always have some hobbies, interests, dreams, goals. So why is it so hard to pursue them?

There are so many questions that i could ask, and so many answers i could find but do they really justify it all?

We live in a generation where we count our worth depending on the likes and followers. Where we don’t pursue what we love because we’re scared of the judgment. Where we build our lifes depending on how others want us to live them.

I think in the process we just forget who we are, we just put it in a box and burry it somewhere in our closet and then when we’re vulnerable we open it and remember what we’re passionate about, who we want to be.

If any of you reading this think that you don’t have a purpose? Let me tell you what it is.

Your purpose is to make yourself proud first, before you make your parents, friends, spouse, partner, kids proud, you should make yourself proud of yourself.

We are being suppresed to talk, to fight for what we want, to believe in what we want. And in the world like this it’s extremely important to realize that making yourself happy is your purpose.

Purpose lies beneath all of us, we just need to be brave enough to dig and find it.