Inspiration, Goals, Writing and Self Care

So i wrote few songs lately…again. I think my first song was called something about with snowflake i don’t know i just know it was like 10 years ago.

I don’t even know why i stopped writing songs or writing in general i really enjoy writing, i love quotes, i love writing songs, i love books. And i would really like to write a book i just don’t know what exactly i should write about. My tragic and melancholic love life or even more tragic and complicated family situation. I don’t know if i should write about dragons and gargoyles and fairies and magic or if i should just write something real. I haven’t decided yet if i want people to escape their reality while reading my book or if i want them to read something they can relate to and know that they are not alone. But i know i want people to feel something. I wrote my last two songs at most random places, one was the bust that was driving me to Croatia and another one was at work. And it was such a relief because everything that i felt over last few months or last year i put into words and the songs turned out to be something i’d also listen to and now i guess the inspiration keeps on comming because i have so many things i wanna write about and i have so many ideas that i don’t even know where to start. I guess before i didn’t really know how to open up and put my feelings out there, i was afraid that it’s gonna be too raw and too honest and they would immediately know the song or the post was about them but now i don’t really care i don’t really have the fear of putting myself out there.

And this came pretty suddenly. At the end of the last year i started cutting off people one by one, i started breaking the contact with people without an explanation because i don’t feel like i owned them one and i still feel that way, i spent last year pretty much drinking and partying and don’t get me wrong i mean i had fun but at the end of the year i realized i’m not doing anything with my life anymore. I stopped writing, i kinda stopped singing i stopped doing everything i enjoyed to do. I tried some substances to see if it’s gonna have any affection on me and it did it made me realize what kind of person i don’t want to be. It made me realize that i don’t want to live life of a party and i wanna go back to my artistic life. I stopped taking care of my body, kinda stopped my vegeterian life (which i’m btw back to) i was eating badly, drinking a lot, partying a lot, working a lot and at the end i was just so sad, i was so done, i was so tired and then the depression kicked back in. I didn’t go to work for 4 weeks, the first two weeks i stayed at home, i literally told everyone i knew that i was sick which i was just not the flu like everyone thought, i binge watched series and i didn’t even bother to get out of the bed. Until I went to Croatia then i spent two weeks there and i kinda came back to life.

And in those two weeks i have made so many decisions, so many changes i suddenly had a plan. A vision and my inspiration was back.

The only resolutions i have this year is to stay healthy, to create much more than i did last year, to let my artistic spirit out, to try my hardest to be happy and to listen to my intuition and my body. And that’s something i’m already doing. I’m writing and i will try to start writing a book this year, because i finished my med school and i never in 1000 years thought that i would be capable of finishing a med school and not in my language but in german in Germany so you know since i know that i made it i kinda just think if i did that then maybe i’m also capable of using my writing skills to write a book, to really just get out there, or to show my songs to someone.

I know this is more of a rant post and i don’t know if anyone is interesting in me just writing out the things i want to do but i guess i just want to tell anyone who is struggling right now to find any motivation or inspiration to just quit the toxic things or people out, because it really gives you a freedom of mind, it just feels like a HUGE detox and you start thinking clearly which leads closure or maybe not but i promise your inspiration will be back. This post was also kind of a reminder to take care of yourself because as soon as you start doing it, wonderful things will happen.

Your mind and your body are the only things you have to deal with for the rest of your life, nothing is more important than that.

the law of love

I’ve got my heart broken so many times i’ve stopped keeping track. I am a person who always tries to see good in people, someone who always wants to believe that there is more good than bad and let me tell you something, only when i learned that you can’t change certain things or can’t affect certain things and how others act is when i realized that just because they have broken your heart it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person.

We live in a generation where we hide our feelings, we all try to be as cold as possible so we don’t get hurt. But is it worth it? Is it worth living a life without love just because we are scared of what might happen?

But first what does this word “love” mean? No it’s not just posting couple pictures on social media, it’s not just having eachother names in Instagram bio.

It’s the feeling of comfort and security. It’s knowing you have someone who makes you feel so happy that no matter what happens you feel at peace because you have that one person.

It’s screaming and fighting, fighting for the love, fighting to solve the problem because throwing away what you have is not an option.

It’s falling asleep in eachothers arms, it’s waking up and starting your day with a kiss. It’s dancing together, it’s making eachother laugh.

It’s motivating eachother to build a life that’s gonna make you happy induvidually but also as a couple. It’s believing in one another to make your dreams come true.

It’s having the mutual support. It’s compromising about certain things, it’s trusting.

It’s building a life together, it’s spending time together but also giving eachother space.

It’s two individual lifes that match together.

It is so hard to find something like that nowdays, don’t ask me why. I guess people are satisfied with one night with different people instead of every night with the same person.

I guess people don’t value the secrecy of love anymore. We hurt other people so we don’t get hurt, we push away others so we wouldn’t be pushed away. We don’t take risks anymore, we don’t fight for something when we want it anymore.

And no you don’t necessarily need another person to feel complete and live a happy life, your happiness depends only on you. But i’ve been single now for 3 years and i have built my life completely alone, i’ve done things alone, i’ve learned how to enjoy my company, i have learned so much about myself but let me tell you something i do miss having someone who’s gonna hold me after a long bad day.

I do miss having a comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who’s gonna care about me and who’s gonna accept me with all my flaws and insecurities.

It’s not about finding a perfect person, it’s about accepting someones soul, it’s realizing that they are gonna have bad days, that it’s not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies, that it’s not always gonna be 50-50 that sometimes it’s gonna be 80-20 but that it’s worth fighting for it.

And yes even i do lately crave love i am not settling for anything less that i deserve and nor should any woman or man do that.

Figure yourself out first, learn about yourself first, be alone for some time and love will find you, it will match you with someone who fits you like a glove.

And then my dear the magic is going to happen.

Time to say goodbye?

As i am sitting in a car making one last stop before i head back to Munich i feel like i can’t breathe and no this isn’t the typicall “oh i don’t wanna go back to work” mood it literally feels like a panick attack.

I never really felt this way about a place or a city, however i feel that way about people all the time. What makes me wonder is, do i feel this way about Munich because of the people in my life? Do toxic people destroy the love i have for the city because i automatically connect the city to the people? Does anyone has any similar experience?

I feel like i don’t belong there, there like i am constantly trying to fit in without success. I don’t like who i am becoming there, i have never been more lonely in my life even though my circle of people keeps growing. I am working so much and so hard that i forgot how to live, i forgot that i am spending the best year of my life, my youth at work, turning into a lifeless robot.

Why don’t i just quit? Because life in Munich is pretty expensive, i live alone i pay everything by myself and i am gonna be honest it’s still not enough, not with a full sallary and another over the weekend job. So as i am just slightly managing to survive i am forgetting that i could die tomorrow and that the life isn’t about paying bills (which you should definately do) but it’s not the most important thing. We shouldn’t be living to pay bills.

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If i don’t like it there why don’t i just go? I never said i’m gonna stay in Munich. But i am not legal for a long time, i was still in school, i needed to get on my own feet, i needed to give the city a chance.

And i did, oh boy over and over again and don’t get me wrong, Munich is one of the most beautiful cities in the world but i never experienced anything so remarkable and so breathtaking or anything that made me really feel alive there. I met so many people, some of them are the bestest friends i could ever have and that was a blessing and something that i am so grateful for.

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So i decided i’m gonna explore my options, maybe find some other job, maybe quit the second job, maybe find another city, maybe another country, maybe i’ll go work over the summer, maybe i’ll go back home to Croatia. I don’t know i have endless options that i need to study and find whats best for ME and well of course my cats.

If you experienced anything similar please let me know, i believe people can always help eachother.

Moving on from someone who was never yours

 

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I am dead tired right now but i‘m feeling inspired and i wanna write about this certain topic.

Losing someone you were in a relationship with takes place in a simple order. You break up, you get eachothers stuff, you burn what was left of the memories or things that remind you of one another. You erease all the pictures, videos etc.

But what happens when you have to move on from someone you never had those things with. Whats the chronological order to move on from someone who was never yours? We meet people in our lifes that shake our world but it never actually turns into a „thing“ so how the hell are you supposed to let go?

It‘s complicated, i guess. Seeing someone be happy without you when they actually never were happy WITH you. Do we all crave love so much that we create illusions in our head that something is going on even when it really isn‘t? Do we need to live with a constant „what if“ question in our brain? I have been in this situation countless times and yet i haven‘t learned what exactly is the order to let go of that illusion.

The thing is nothing really ever changed, you didn‘t have all of a sudden a significant other or were in a relationship, you just kept holding onto this idea of you two being together. So why is it so hard to let go of it?

I guess it‘s because we see something in that person that makes us think that we could be happy and it‘s actually us secretly wishing for this love story to happen but it actually never does happen.

I guess the best way to move on from someone who was never yours is to realize that they are not someone you‘re supposed to be with otherwise that would have happened, to convince yourself to stop wishful thinking.

Choose to be happy.

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Purpose

I have been dealing with finding a purpose my whole life. And thinking that i am not the only one feeling this way always kept me up at night. So why is that?

Why do we struggle with finding a purpose when we almost always know what we’re passionate about. We always have some hobbies, interests, dreams, goals. So why is it so hard to pursue them?

There are so many questions that i could ask, and so many answers i could find but do they really justify it all?

We live in a generation where we count our worth depending on the likes and followers. Where we don’t pursue what we love because we’re scared of the judgment. Where we build our lifes depending on how others want us to live them.

I think in the process we just forget who we are, we just put it in a box and burry it somewhere in our closet and then when we’re vulnerable we open it and remember what we’re passionate about, who we want to be.

If any of you reading this think that you don’t have a purpose? Let me tell you what it is.

Your purpose is to make yourself proud first, before you make your parents, friends, spouse, partner, kids proud, you should make yourself proud of yourself.

We are being suppresed to talk, to fight for what we want, to believe in what we want. And in the world like this it’s extremely important to realize that making yourself happy is your purpose.

Purpose lies beneath all of us, we just need to be brave enough to dig and find it.