Love is Love

I can’t help but write about this topic, because it makes me sick to my stomach.

Let’s start the post this way, i come from a beautiful country of Croatia unfortunately people’s souls are not as beautiful there. It is a pretty ” religious ” and primitive country, the mindset of the people is kinda similar to those in the Stone Age. So the main topic lately has been a gay couple trying to adopt a child that has been abused by her father, so of course the child was taken away and was put into the orphanage or let’s call it ” the system”. So surprisingly the Child Services approved the adoption but the chancellor of the orpahange refused to sign the final approval. Of course the couple went to the media with their story and the comments are disturbing. The hate that’s been spread about gay community is just inhuman.

I have been someone who grew up with a homophobic father and of course you would think that i would turn out to be one too but no, i was fighting against homophobia since very beggining, i remember my dad asking me ” what if one of them wants to do something with your brother would you still accept it” and i remember telling him ” if he wants it then yeah i would accept it ” and my father was furious and back then i didn’t understand why, why would love between two people awaken such anger and hate in other people. And i still don’t understand it. Why is only the love between man and a woman considered normal? Why can’t a person decide whom they want to love without being judged, why is something so beautiful as trying to help a child to get out of the system and grow up in a loving home considered as a sin? Why do people need to be concerned about their safety because they are in love?

I have been told from few people that i know that when they read my comments on articles about homosexuality they don’t understand why am i speaking out and that i should stop, well i won’t stop, i will never stop, i will stop when homophobia is completely out of this world, i will stop when people stop being assholes and when they stop telling someone whom to love or consider or even worse treat homosexuality as a mental illness. I will never stop fighting for human rights, i will never stop speaking about it and i will never be quiet when someone is being treated like trash.

People like them always mention religion when it comes to this topic and i really have no idea what God are they praying to because the God that i know and that i believe in loves everyone, he accepts everyone and would never send someone to ” hell ” because they loved someone. The God that i believe in doesn’t tolerate hate and bullying, God that i believe in chooses love no matter what kind of love that is.

If a child is raised by homosexual parents they are gonna be bullied or turn out as homosexual too? Bullshit. Kids nowdays don’t need a reason to bully someone, they would bully a child if it wears glasses and it’s not right, bullying is a serious issue but you know who should be banned from having children? Anyone who is racist, sexist and homophobic because parents with those characteristics mostly raise bullies because they do not teach their kids acceptance and love only hate and resentment. So if i was to choose whom to give a child it would always be a loving couple instead to people who preach hate.

Every human has the right to love whoever they want, every human deserves to be loved.

The same goes for women rights, children rights, immigrant rights. It’s called human rights, it’s what every single person on this planet deserves and no preaching hate is not your freedom of speech it’s just you being an asshole.

And I alone can’t change the world but that doesn’t mean i’ll be quiet because if everyone thought they should be quiet because as an individual you can’t change anything then nothing is ever gonna change, maybe me speaking about it is gonna give others the courage and like that we can build a chain of activists who can’t be silenced and then we might change something.

” I choose to defent the human rights because i cannot maintain my silence in the face of injustice “

Monster In my bed

I have been lacking the inspiration lately, but i’ve been reflecting and hearing different stories and decided i’ll go fully public about this. Neverthless who’s gonna read it. Because this is why i started this blog, to reach people through my own experiences.

Around 3 and a half years ago i’ve ended a 2 and a half years long relationship. When i met this person i was 17, it was the most random encounter and because of the circumstances under which we have met, it still makes me believe that it was meant to be for me to learn the lessons that i learned through him.

I am not gonna go through the timeline of how it started and to what has our relationship come at the end. What I am gonna talk about is emotional and mental manipulation, sexual abuse, mental abuse, control and how to deal with the aftermath.

Let me start with the fact that our break up wasn’t bad, no, not at all, i have never felt more fierce and in control that i did the day i ended it, what was bad was the whole relationship and no i’m not gonna get sentimentality into this and say we have had good moments, because all of the good moments were just the aftermath of him trying to make up for what he has done.

The relationship started with me finding out he has been dealing cocaine and also taking it, what ended up him threatening me with a knife because i tried to prevent the fight he almost got into with 3 guys who were 5 times bigger than him. I should have left at that very moment, i didn’t. Why? Because my 17 year old self believed i can fix him. What followed next were many breakdowns and tears from his side promising he is gonna change and he needs help, so how do you leave someone who is asking you for help, little did i know it’s gonna be a burden i’ll carry on my whole entire life. For you to understand the evolution of our relationship i’ll write few random points without much detail just so you can create a picture for yourself of what i believed was normal in a relationship.

– if i talked to his friends in his presence he would just leave and call me a whore

– if i didn’t reply for 20 minutes he would accuse me of cheating

– if i told him how certain things hurt me he would say i didn’t love him enough to forgive him

– if i fell asleep too early he would insult me and my family which would lead to him blocking me for at least 2 days

– if i would say no to certain sexual activity he would say that he would find someone who would do the things he wanted to, if that didn’t make me do it then he would break up with me

– if i would say no to something during the sexual activity he would ignore my crying and begging for him to stop

– if i sent him a picture of myself his response would be ” do you think you’re a model? “

– if i was at home bored and did my hair differently he would accuse me of going to a club behind his back

– he chose my friends ( at the end i didn’t have any )

– i came to him crying because i had some family issues he looked me dead in the eyes and told me to stop making the world revolve around me

– he told me in my face that he would sleep with my bestfriend because she is better looking than me

– he would bring me home and wait until my room light was on so he knows i’m inside

– i wasn’t allowed to any birthday parties or any social events with or without his presence

– if i was with a friend outside and some guy asked about a direction or anything simple as that i would have panick attacks and move like 5 meters away because i thought he’d see me and think we’re flirting

This is more than what i have ever told anyone and this was going on for over 2 years why? Because i was naive, yes it is my fault because i was afraid to leave, because he made me think that after him i’ll be alone, that nobody except him would ever love me because i’m worthless and this is what i believed. We are always afraid of the monsters in the dark streets at night, but what when the monster is sleeping right next to you?

What was a breaking point for me? It was a wednesday night and a school night for me, i fell asleep around 10 pm i woke up yet again to being blocked and countless messages from him insulting me. So i went to school, had a complete mental breakdown and God thanks for the girls in that school that day because i had 15 girls around me telling me to stop, to end it, that our relationship has reached an unreachable level of toxicity, that i need to realize that i don’t need him, that i am strong and i can’t even tell you how much strength their empowering gave me. After 2,5 years i was strong enough to end it, to leave. My bestfriend ( hello Nuni) played a huge role in this break up, she was in on it for weeks and at first i didn’t listen to her, so that thursday after he decided i was worth his attention again and not taking me serious when i said no more it’s over, i finally cut him completely off of my social media, blocked his number, completely erased his existance i called her and i remember crying on the phone barely breathing and telling her “this feels more like a relief than pain”. And from that day on she was there, every day, every minute, everytime i felt like i wanted to go back she was there to remind me why not to do so. She and those girls in school saved my life and no they didn’t do it instead of me, i did it myself, i left but i left because they gave me strength, because they believed in me more than i did.

I don’t even need to mention how much he begged for me to come back, it took months and even now recently he tried again.

But did this strength and empowerment delete my trauma and my pain? No.

I got out of that relationship broken into a million pieces, traumatised, vulnerable, weak and insecure. The trance state that i was in because i was finally free, lasted for about 3-4 months and then the PTSD kicked in, suddenly i started experiencing panick attacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety and even though i tried to hide it i was living with it constantly because i finally wrote a list of every traumatising experience i had with him and finally realized that i was a victim of mental, emotional and sexual abuse and i couldn’t wrap my head around it, i DIDN’T wanna be a victim. I didn’t wanna have to say ” i have been through this ” i didn’t want peoples pity. So the first person i talked about this was again my bestfriend and i was so ashamed i remember not even being able to look her in the eyes, because i felt like my dignity, my secrecy and my purity was completely demolished. So everything that i was trying to suppress during those traumatic experiences i started feeling all at once. I didn’t wanna tell my family that i was sexually assaulted from someone i loved and that same person had told me ” if you loved me i wouldn’t have to use the force ” this sentence is stuck in my mind. And i remember it everyday. I didn’t wanna go to the therapy and talk about it, i didn’t wanna do any of that, i didn’t want it to be real. And it took long long long time for me to be even able to accept that this experience is a part of me. That yes a part of my soul was taken in that relationship but the part that’s still left i’ll use in the best way possible. So when i couldn’t deal with it anymore i seeked help in a hotline and talked to a woman on the line for almost an hour told her everything how it happened, when it happened and she said it outloud ” you have been a victim of a sexual abuse ” and she made me say it outloud that’s when i realized it really did happen.

So now i had to recover from all of those wounds, i had to find something that’s gonna help me because i wasn’t ready to talk about it. I pushed every guy away because i just didn’t know how to tell them the truth. But it happened, this year i shared my story with couple more people and they would always tell me ” you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to ” but i wanted to, it has become important to me for people close to me to know my story and to know that if they ever experienced or God forbid experience something like that to know that i am there and that i understand. Because i do understand how it feels to feel so ashamed, so afraid to talk about it to tell anyone because you know they can’t understand. And if it didn’t happen to them they never will be able to understand. And that’s okay don’t blame them. But there are people who do understand and it’s okay to search help, because I after more than 3 years finally feel ready to search for help and i am ready to help others who went through what i did.

What i want all of you who are gonna read this to know is that you need to recognize the signs of any kind of abuse and leave, find a person you can trust ask them for help and leave, if necessary go to police. You need to realize how precious your life is and that you are NOT worthless or alone.

There are so many young girls and boys who get into toxic relationships thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be. But it’s not. Love is not supposed to hurt, ever. Please remember that and at the first signs of abuse you don’t try to save them, you leave and save yourself, that should be a priority, always.

You wanna know how am i dealing with relationships? I’m not. I gave myself time to deal with it and a lot of time to come to this point where i accept who i am and my past, the trauma followed by it is still there but i am working on it and if someone comes around who is ready to work on it with me then i am finally ready to give it a chance.

But this blog post isn’t about me. It is my story but what i want out of it is for people to know that if they need someone to talk about those topics to know that they are not alone. Me telling my story might give someone strength to finally leave that relationship or to finally search for help or just share their story with me if they want to. I felt alone for such a long time, i felt like i didn’t have voice or that no one would listen. But there are people who care and you are never, ever alone.

Put yourself first, please.

the law of love

I’ve got my heart broken so many times i’ve stopped keeping track. I am a person who always tries to see good in people, someone who always wants to believe that there is more good than bad and let me tell you something, only when i learned that you can’t change certain things or can’t affect certain things and how others act is when i realized that just because they have broken your heart it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person.

We live in a generation where we hide our feelings, we all try to be as cold as possible so we don’t get hurt. But is it worth it? Is it worth living a life without love just because we are scared of what might happen?

But first what does this word “love” mean? No it’s not just posting couple pictures on social media, it’s not just having eachother names in Instagram bio.

It’s the feeling of comfort and security. It’s knowing you have someone who makes you feel so happy that no matter what happens you feel at peace because you have that one person.

It’s screaming and fighting, fighting for the love, fighting to solve the problem because throwing away what you have is not an option.

It’s falling asleep in eachothers arms, it’s waking up and starting your day with a kiss. It’s dancing together, it’s making eachother laugh.

It’s motivating eachother to build a life that’s gonna make you happy induvidually but also as a couple. It’s believing in one another to make your dreams come true.

It’s having the mutual support. It’s compromising about certain things, it’s trusting.

It’s building a life together, it’s spending time together but also giving eachother space.

It’s two individual lifes that match together.

It is so hard to find something like that nowdays, don’t ask me why. I guess people are satisfied with one night with different people instead of every night with the same person.

I guess people don’t value the secrecy of love anymore. We hurt other people so we don’t get hurt, we push away others so we wouldn’t be pushed away. We don’t take risks anymore, we don’t fight for something when we want it anymore.

And no you don’t necessarily need another person to feel complete and live a happy life, your happiness depends only on you. But i’ve been single now for 3 years and i have built my life completely alone, i’ve done things alone, i’ve learned how to enjoy my company, i have learned so much about myself but let me tell you something i do miss having someone who’s gonna hold me after a long bad day.

I do miss having a comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who’s gonna care about me and who’s gonna accept me with all my flaws and insecurities.

It’s not about finding a perfect person, it’s about accepting someones soul, it’s realizing that they are gonna have bad days, that it’s not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies, that it’s not always gonna be 50-50 that sometimes it’s gonna be 80-20 but that it’s worth fighting for it.

And yes even i do lately crave love i am not settling for anything less that i deserve and nor should any woman or man do that.

Figure yourself out first, learn about yourself first, be alone for some time and love will find you, it will match you with someone who fits you like a glove.

And then my dear the magic is going to happen.

To the world: I do it solo

 

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Did you know that as a woman the only thing you aspire to should be marriage?

Well apparently that’s the only important thing in our life, you know finish school, find a man, produce children. And i mean there are women who also want it to happen that way and that’s okay, everyone has different goals in life but whats with the rest of us?

I have been single for 3 years now, you know what i did instead of searching for a man? I travelled to France, Bulgaria, Italy, got 2 jobs, found an amazing group of friends, went to parties, concentrated more on the music, experimented with my style, went to a wedding as a maid of honor without a date and survived, got an apartment, moved out, reconnected with my father, got 2 cats and now i got a blog. You know what has been said to me? “But i wish you would find a partner so you could be happy”

Why do people think that i am not happy? Because i am socialy awkward? Because i’m anxious? My anxiety and depression are something i’ve learned to live with and no man or relationship or marriage could change that or have some impact on it.

Most women are not appreciated for their skills but for how many men they have or have not slept with. I never heard someone ask me how many languages do i speak, what inspires me, what direction is my life going, what am i passionate about, where do i wanna travel next, the sad reality is that most questions i get are „ so when do you wanna get married“, „how many kids do you plan on having“ .

All my achievements were made without a man in my life, i never had a special support from a male, all my best memories were made with my girls or my family, all my worst moments were caused by men and no i don‘t hate men i met amazing men and had great times with men but did they bring me something remarkable? No. And i mean they shouldn‘t, it‘s not their job to do so. But it‘s also not my job to worship men and think that my life is empty without someone by my side.

So the conclusion is:

If i meet someone no matter of their gender who i feel would fit in my life and my needs and would wanna share their time and there is a breakthaking connection then i‘m down for it because i am not settling down for less.

However if i don‘t meet someone like that and i stay alone with my cats for the rest of my life then be damn sure that i‘ll have the time of my life.

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Moving on from someone who was never yours

 

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I am dead tired right now but i‘m feeling inspired and i wanna write about this certain topic.

Losing someone you were in a relationship with takes place in a simple order. You break up, you get eachothers stuff, you burn what was left of the memories or things that remind you of one another. You erease all the pictures, videos etc.

But what happens when you have to move on from someone you never had those things with. Whats the chronological order to move on from someone who was never yours? We meet people in our lifes that shake our world but it never actually turns into a „thing“ so how the hell are you supposed to let go?

It‘s complicated, i guess. Seeing someone be happy without you when they actually never were happy WITH you. Do we all crave love so much that we create illusions in our head that something is going on even when it really isn‘t? Do we need to live with a constant „what if“ question in our brain? I have been in this situation countless times and yet i haven‘t learned what exactly is the order to let go of that illusion.

The thing is nothing really ever changed, you didn‘t have all of a sudden a significant other or were in a relationship, you just kept holding onto this idea of you two being together. So why is it so hard to let go of it?

I guess it‘s because we see something in that person that makes us think that we could be happy and it‘s actually us secretly wishing for this love story to happen but it actually never does happen.

I guess the best way to move on from someone who was never yours is to realize that they are not someone you‘re supposed to be with otherwise that would have happened, to convince yourself to stop wishful thinking.

Choose to be happy.

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