Inspiration, Goals, Writing and Self Care

So i wrote few songs lately…again. I think my first song was called something about with snowflake i don’t know i just know it was like 10 years ago.

I don’t even know why i stopped writing songs or writing in general i really enjoy writing, i love quotes, i love writing songs, i love books. And i would really like to write a book i just don’t know what exactly i should write about. My tragic and melancholic love life or even more tragic and complicated family situation. I don’t know if i should write about dragons and gargoyles and fairies and magic or if i should just write something real. I haven’t decided yet if i want people to escape their reality while reading my book or if i want them to read something they can relate to and know that they are not alone. But i know i want people to feel something. I wrote my last two songs at most random places, one was the bust that was driving me to Croatia and another one was at work. And it was such a relief because everything that i felt over last few months or last year i put into words and the songs turned out to be something i’d also listen to and now i guess the inspiration keeps on comming because i have so many things i wanna write about and i have so many ideas that i don’t even know where to start. I guess before i didn’t really know how to open up and put my feelings out there, i was afraid that it’s gonna be too raw and too honest and they would immediately know the song or the post was about them but now i don’t really care i don’t really have the fear of putting myself out there.

And this came pretty suddenly. At the end of the last year i started cutting off people one by one, i started breaking the contact with people without an explanation because i don’t feel like i owned them one and i still feel that way, i spent last year pretty much drinking and partying and don’t get me wrong i mean i had fun but at the end of the year i realized i’m not doing anything with my life anymore. I stopped writing, i kinda stopped singing i stopped doing everything i enjoyed to do. I tried some substances to see if it’s gonna have any affection on me and it did it made me realize what kind of person i don’t want to be. It made me realize that i don’t want to live life of a party and i wanna go back to my artistic life. I stopped taking care of my body, kinda stopped my vegeterian life (which i’m btw back to) i was eating badly, drinking a lot, partying a lot, working a lot and at the end i was just so sad, i was so done, i was so tired and then the depression kicked back in. I didn’t go to work for 4 weeks, the first two weeks i stayed at home, i literally told everyone i knew that i was sick which i was just not the flu like everyone thought, i binge watched series and i didn’t even bother to get out of the bed. Until I went to Croatia then i spent two weeks there and i kinda came back to life.

And in those two weeks i have made so many decisions, so many changes i suddenly had a plan. A vision and my inspiration was back.

The only resolutions i have this year is to stay healthy, to create much more than i did last year, to let my artistic spirit out, to try my hardest to be happy and to listen to my intuition and my body. And that’s something i’m already doing. I’m writing and i will try to start writing a book this year, because i finished my med school and i never in 1000 years thought that i would be capable of finishing a med school and not in my language but in german in Germany so you know since i know that i made it i kinda just think if i did that then maybe i’m also capable of using my writing skills to write a book, to really just get out there, or to show my songs to someone.

I know this is more of a rant post and i don’t know if anyone is interesting in me just writing out the things i want to do but i guess i just want to tell anyone who is struggling right now to find any motivation or inspiration to just quit the toxic things or people out, because it really gives you a freedom of mind, it just feels like a HUGE detox and you start thinking clearly which leads closure or maybe not but i promise your inspiration will be back. This post was also kind of a reminder to take care of yourself because as soon as you start doing it, wonderful things will happen.

Your mind and your body are the only things you have to deal with for the rest of your life, nothing is more important than that.

Love is Love

I can’t help but write about this topic, because it makes me sick to my stomach.

Let’s start the post this way, i come from a beautiful country of Croatia unfortunately people’s souls are not as beautiful there. It is a pretty ” religious ” and primitive country, the mindset of the people is kinda similar to those in the Stone Age. So the main topic lately has been a gay couple trying to adopt a child that has been abused by her father, so of course the child was taken away and was put into the orphanage or let’s call it ” the system”. So surprisingly the Child Services approved the adoption but the chancellor of the orpahange refused to sign the final approval. Of course the couple went to the media with their story and the comments are disturbing. The hate that’s been spread about gay community is just inhuman.

I have been someone who grew up with a homophobic father and of course you would think that i would turn out to be one too but no, i was fighting against homophobia since very beggining, i remember my dad asking me ” what if one of them wants to do something with your brother would you still accept it” and i remember telling him ” if he wants it then yeah i would accept it ” and my father was furious and back then i didn’t understand why, why would love between two people awaken such anger and hate in other people. And i still don’t understand it. Why is only the love between man and a woman considered normal? Why can’t a person decide whom they want to love without being judged, why is something so beautiful as trying to help a child to get out of the system and grow up in a loving home considered as a sin? Why do people need to be concerned about their safety because they are in love?

I have been told from few people that i know that when they read my comments on articles about homosexuality they don’t understand why am i speaking out and that i should stop, well i won’t stop, i will never stop, i will stop when homophobia is completely out of this world, i will stop when people stop being assholes and when they stop telling someone whom to love or consider or even worse treat homosexuality as a mental illness. I will never stop fighting for human rights, i will never stop speaking about it and i will never be quiet when someone is being treated like trash.

People like them always mention religion when it comes to this topic and i really have no idea what God are they praying to because the God that i know and that i believe in loves everyone, he accepts everyone and would never send someone to ” hell ” because they loved someone. The God that i believe in doesn’t tolerate hate and bullying, God that i believe in chooses love no matter what kind of love that is.

If a child is raised by homosexual parents they are gonna be bullied or turn out as homosexual too? Bullshit. Kids nowdays don’t need a reason to bully someone, they would bully a child if it wears glasses and it’s not right, bullying is a serious issue but you know who should be banned from having children? Anyone who is racist, sexist and homophobic because parents with those characteristics mostly raise bullies because they do not teach their kids acceptance and love only hate and resentment. So if i was to choose whom to give a child it would always be a loving couple instead to people who preach hate.

Every human has the right to love whoever they want, every human deserves to be loved.

The same goes for women rights, children rights, immigrant rights. It’s called human rights, it’s what every single person on this planet deserves and no preaching hate is not your freedom of speech it’s just you being an asshole.

And I alone can’t change the world but that doesn’t mean i’ll be quiet because if everyone thought they should be quiet because as an individual you can’t change anything then nothing is ever gonna change, maybe me speaking about it is gonna give others the courage and like that we can build a chain of activists who can’t be silenced and then we might change something.

” I choose to defent the human rights because i cannot maintain my silence in the face of injustice “

the law of love

I’ve got my heart broken so many times i’ve stopped keeping track. I am a person who always tries to see good in people, someone who always wants to believe that there is more good than bad and let me tell you something, only when i learned that you can’t change certain things or can’t affect certain things and how others act is when i realized that just because they have broken your heart it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person.

We live in a generation where we hide our feelings, we all try to be as cold as possible so we don’t get hurt. But is it worth it? Is it worth living a life without love just because we are scared of what might happen?

But first what does this word “love” mean? No it’s not just posting couple pictures on social media, it’s not just having eachother names in Instagram bio.

It’s the feeling of comfort and security. It’s knowing you have someone who makes you feel so happy that no matter what happens you feel at peace because you have that one person.

It’s screaming and fighting, fighting for the love, fighting to solve the problem because throwing away what you have is not an option.

It’s falling asleep in eachothers arms, it’s waking up and starting your day with a kiss. It’s dancing together, it’s making eachother laugh.

It’s motivating eachother to build a life that’s gonna make you happy induvidually but also as a couple. It’s believing in one another to make your dreams come true.

It’s having the mutual support. It’s compromising about certain things, it’s trusting.

It’s building a life together, it’s spending time together but also giving eachother space.

It’s two individual lifes that match together.

It is so hard to find something like that nowdays, don’t ask me why. I guess people are satisfied with one night with different people instead of every night with the same person.

I guess people don’t value the secrecy of love anymore. We hurt other people so we don’t get hurt, we push away others so we wouldn’t be pushed away. We don’t take risks anymore, we don’t fight for something when we want it anymore.

And no you don’t necessarily need another person to feel complete and live a happy life, your happiness depends only on you. But i’ve been single now for 3 years and i have built my life completely alone, i’ve done things alone, i’ve learned how to enjoy my company, i have learned so much about myself but let me tell you something i do miss having someone who’s gonna hold me after a long bad day.

I do miss having a comfort of knowing that there is someone out there who’s gonna care about me and who’s gonna accept me with all my flaws and insecurities.

It’s not about finding a perfect person, it’s about accepting someones soul, it’s realizing that they are gonna have bad days, that it’s not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies, that it’s not always gonna be 50-50 that sometimes it’s gonna be 80-20 but that it’s worth fighting for it.

And yes even i do lately crave love i am not settling for anything less that i deserve and nor should any woman or man do that.

Figure yourself out first, learn about yourself first, be alone for some time and love will find you, it will match you with someone who fits you like a glove.

And then my dear the magic is going to happen.

A dream.

Did you ever have a dream that seemed so real? The feeling, the touch, the view. You know the feeling like you just want to stay there forever. For a half of a second it becomes your reality and you feel peace.

I had a dream like that last night, i can‘t really write what was it about but it hit me so hard and there was one moment that just keeps flashing in my mind because it seemed so real. It was about someone i loved and it made me miss them even more.

I remember i was always fascinated by dreams like how mind remembers all the faces and stigmas even when we‘re asleep like how your brain exactly knows who‘s face your heart wants to see. It doesn‘t matter if that‘s someone who died, or someone whom we lost or just someone we‘re longing to see.

It‘s a beautiful thing that our brain lets us have this one moment with a person, that no one else knows, no one else can take that away from you because it‘s not real.

Last night i had a dream that kinda affects my whole day now and i needed to write about it.

You know the song from Cindarella „ A dream is a wish your heart makes „ and i really do believe in that.

But do we easily confuse reality and dreams? I think so. Probably, it‘s unhealthy to believe in something you‘ve dreamt. I needed couple of minutes to snap out of it, we could easily be fooled by whats real and what we wish was real.

 

„Everybody said – follow your heart – i did. It got broken „

 

Time to say goodbye?

As i am sitting in a car making one last stop before i head back to Munich i feel like i can’t breathe and no this isn’t the typicall “oh i don’t wanna go back to work” mood it literally feels like a panick attack.

I never really felt this way about a place or a city, however i feel that way about people all the time. What makes me wonder is, do i feel this way about Munich because of the people in my life? Do toxic people destroy the love i have for the city because i automatically connect the city to the people? Does anyone has any similar experience?

I feel like i don’t belong there, there like i am constantly trying to fit in without success. I don’t like who i am becoming there, i have never been more lonely in my life even though my circle of people keeps growing. I am working so much and so hard that i forgot how to live, i forgot that i am spending the best year of my life, my youth at work, turning into a lifeless robot.

Why don’t i just quit? Because life in Munich is pretty expensive, i live alone i pay everything by myself and i am gonna be honest it’s still not enough, not with a full sallary and another over the weekend job. So as i am just slightly managing to survive i am forgetting that i could die tomorrow and that the life isn’t about paying bills (which you should definately do) but it’s not the most important thing. We shouldn’t be living to pay bills.

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If i don’t like it there why don’t i just go? I never said i’m gonna stay in Munich. But i am not legal for a long time, i was still in school, i needed to get on my own feet, i needed to give the city a chance.

And i did, oh boy over and over again and don’t get me wrong, Munich is one of the most beautiful cities in the world but i never experienced anything so remarkable and so breathtaking or anything that made me really feel alive there. I met so many people, some of them are the bestest friends i could ever have and that was a blessing and something that i am so grateful for.

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So i decided i’m gonna explore my options, maybe find some other job, maybe quit the second job, maybe find another city, maybe another country, maybe i’ll go work over the summer, maybe i’ll go back home to Croatia. I don’t know i have endless options that i need to study and find whats best for ME and well of course my cats.

If you experienced anything similar please let me know, i believe people can always help eachother.

Independence

The lack of inspiration and vacation are responsible for my lazy ass not writing anything.

But i decided to write about independance.

Stuff happened over the last few years, months,  weeks and i have come to realization that i’m proud of myself.

I am 21, soon to be 22 i have my 2 jobs, i live alone, i am educating myself and yes i’m struggling but would i change it and go back to live with anyone from my family again? No.

And no it’s not because i hate everyone it’a just because the freedom and independance that i have now have made me grow and mature so much and the whole experience is building me and keeping me on the right path to become the woman i want.

It is hard of course, after work i have to do everything alone, clean, cook, do the loundry, pay the rent, the bills but it’s all worth of having my own few walls, my shelter and my space. I do enjoy being alone, i am a one wolf pack, i need it and i am very selfish with it. With my time, my freedom, my creativity, my growth, my inner peace and my mental health.

I think this is very important, to spend time with yourself, to live with yourself, i have learned a lot about myself, as an example i absolutely despite doing the loundry and i really have a passion for hanging 18372 pictures on my walls.

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You probably must thinking i am having so much fun, parties, one night stands, wild nights but no mostly what i do is read, write, sing (a lot) and cuddle my cats. I am enjoying this period of my life and i think at some point if i find a partner i will really think good about when and if i wanna move in with them.

People need to learn how to be independent, it’s so important to depend on no one else but yourself and live everyday with a responsibility it changes you as a person, it builds character, personality and it makes you appreciate little things more.

I know this is pretty much a boring topic to write about but since i’ve been busy lately i just wanted to express how grateful i am to be at this level at such a young age and how grateful i am to have my 4 walls and complete freedom. Do i know what the hell am i doing? No. But i am really enjoying the journey of learning.

“leaving is the hardest thing to do until you actually leave, then it’s the easiest thing to do”

 

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I come from a small town next to the capital of the Croatia, you could say i had an average life, went to school, had my group of friends, tried different hobbies until i found my passion for dancing. I wanted to do anything with tourism, spent my days on MSN, had the honour to watch Facebook develop. Lived for High School Musical, Camp Rock and Twilight. I come from a broken home. So at the age of 15 after i just started high school, after i just had my first kiss, my first cigarette, my life changed completely. All of a sudden i was in this country away from friends, away from family, away from home. I was angry, i didn’t understand why was all of this taken away from me, what did i do to deserve having my whole life taken away.

You could say that the rebel in me was getting even more rebellious, i closed myself in the room, finding an escape in Tumblr, music, make up tutorials and conspiracy theories. I didn’t want to have any contact to anyone, i was just so angry at the whole world.

I started school, i met few people but kept struggling with the language. Soon after that i met someone who is also today my bestfriend i guess we kept eachother going for all these years.

Now i have kinda built life here, i have my apartment, i have my cat, i am finishing my medical school, i work at a nightclub and i have my group of friends.

You probably think that i completely forgot my life in croatia and that i probably have no contact to people there, well you’re wrong. I am as often as i can in Croatia, i still have my circle there, still have most of my girls there, still have my house and my family there. Yes i built up a life somewhere else, yes it would be hard to leave it behind, but no where in the world am i gonna feel like i’m home except in Croatia. There is no words to describe the feeling when i open my old closet and see my middle school prom dress, my teakwondo kimono, my simpsons sheet. But Tena why don’t you take them with you, then you can have a piece of home with you. No, those things stay there where they belong, at home. Would i at some point go back to croatia? Yes, i am constantly thinking about it, i am constantly trying to find a way to go back. Am i crazy? There are over 91.750 people who moved out of Croatia in the last 7 years to find a better life, better job, better apartment, better car, better home. And it all looks perfect until you realize that all of that doesn’t replace home. All of this doesn’t replace your morning coffee in that local café, it doesn’t replace having neighbours walk in and out of your house because you know eachother your whole life, it doesn’t replace that weird neighbour who decides to mown the lawn on a saturday morning, it doesn’t replace getting drunk of bambus in your friends garden.

 

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Reading all of this probably makes you think i’ll pack my whole life in a suitcase and go back. And you’re right i will, someday.

As much as i wanna go back i also wanna go further, i am not done exploring this world, i am not done travelling, i am not done changing a few more residences. It was so hard to leave, it still is hard constantly saying goodbye, constantly leaving everything behind. But i know that i am not done exploring this world. A lot of people gave up on Croatia, i didn’t and i never will and i honestly think there is no better place to live than there. I never left Croatia to find something “better”. I left because back then i didn’t have no choice.

What would i tell people who are planning to move away from home?

Do it.

But don’t expect to find a home somewhere else, yes moving away changes you, you meet new people from all around the world, you live your life completely differently. Moving away makes you grow, makes you independant, makes you appreciate home more but it builds you, it builds your character.

Would i go back in time and stay?

Yes i would, i would finish my school there, i would spend my teenage years there. But at some point i would have left, i am not made to be kept in one place.

 

 “Travel makes you realize that no matter how much you know there is always something new to learn”

 

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