Time to say goodbye?

As i am sitting in a car making one last stop before i head back to Munich i feel like i can’t breathe and no this isn’t the typicall “oh i don’t wanna go back to work” mood it literally feels like a panick attack.

I never really felt this way about a place or a city, however i feel that way about people all the time. What makes me wonder is, do i feel this way about Munich because of the people in my life? Do toxic people destroy the love i have for the city because i automatically connect the city to the people? Does anyone has any similar experience?

I feel like i don’t belong there, there like i am constantly trying to fit in without success. I don’t like who i am becoming there, i have never been more lonely in my life even though my circle of people keeps growing. I am working so much and so hard that i forgot how to live, i forgot that i am spending the best year of my life, my youth at work, turning into a lifeless robot.

Why don’t i just quit? Because life in Munich is pretty expensive, i live alone i pay everything by myself and i am gonna be honest it’s still not enough, not with a full sallary and another over the weekend job. So as i am just slightly managing to survive i am forgetting that i could die tomorrow and that the life isn’t about paying bills (which you should definately do) but it’s not the most important thing. We shouldn’t be living to pay bills.

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If i don’t like it there why don’t i just go? I never said i’m gonna stay in Munich. But i am not legal for a long time, i was still in school, i needed to get on my own feet, i needed to give the city a chance.

And i did, oh boy over and over again and don’t get me wrong, Munich is one of the most beautiful cities in the world but i never experienced anything so remarkable and so breathtaking or anything that made me really feel alive there. I met so many people, some of them are the bestest friends i could ever have and that was a blessing and something that i am so grateful for.

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So i decided i’m gonna explore my options, maybe find some other job, maybe quit the second job, maybe find another city, maybe another country, maybe i’ll go work over the summer, maybe i’ll go back home to Croatia. I don’t know i have endless options that i need to study and find whats best for ME and well of course my cats.

If you experienced anything similar please let me know, i believe people can always help eachother.

“leaving is the hardest thing to do until you actually leave, then it’s the easiest thing to do”

 

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I come from a small town next to the capital of the Croatia, you could say i had an average life, went to school, had my group of friends, tried different hobbies until i found my passion for dancing. I wanted to do anything with tourism, spent my days on MSN, had the honour to watch Facebook develop. Lived for High School Musical, Camp Rock and Twilight. I come from a broken home. So at the age of 15 after i just started high school, after i just had my first kiss, my first cigarette, my life changed completely. All of a sudden i was in this country away from friends, away from family, away from home. I was angry, i didn’t understand why was all of this taken away from me, what did i do to deserve having my whole life taken away.

You could say that the rebel in me was getting even more rebellious, i closed myself in the room, finding an escape in Tumblr, music, make up tutorials and conspiracy theories. I didn’t want to have any contact to anyone, i was just so angry at the whole world.

I started school, i met few people but kept struggling with the language. Soon after that i met someone who is also today my bestfriend i guess we kept eachother going for all these years.

Now i have kinda built life here, i have my apartment, i have my cat, i am finishing my medical school, i work at a nightclub and i have my group of friends.

You probably think that i completely forgot my life in croatia and that i probably have no contact to people there, well you’re wrong. I am as often as i can in Croatia, i still have my circle there, still have most of my girls there, still have my house and my family there. Yes i built up a life somewhere else, yes it would be hard to leave it behind, but no where in the world am i gonna feel like i’m home except in Croatia. There is no words to describe the feeling when i open my old closet and see my middle school prom dress, my teakwondo kimono, my simpsons sheet. But Tena why don’t you take them with you, then you can have a piece of home with you. No, those things stay there where they belong, at home. Would i at some point go back to croatia? Yes, i am constantly thinking about it, i am constantly trying to find a way to go back. Am i crazy? There are over 91.750 people who moved out of Croatia in the last 7 years to find a better life, better job, better apartment, better car, better home. And it all looks perfect until you realize that all of that doesn’t replace home. All of this doesn’t replace your morning coffee in that local café, it doesn’t replace having neighbours walk in and out of your house because you know eachother your whole life, it doesn’t replace that weird neighbour who decides to mown the lawn on a saturday morning, it doesn’t replace getting drunk of bambus in your friends garden.

 

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Reading all of this probably makes you think i’ll pack my whole life in a suitcase and go back. And you’re right i will, someday.

As much as i wanna go back i also wanna go further, i am not done exploring this world, i am not done travelling, i am not done changing a few more residences. It was so hard to leave, it still is hard constantly saying goodbye, constantly leaving everything behind. But i know that i am not done exploring this world. A lot of people gave up on Croatia, i didn’t and i never will and i honestly think there is no better place to live than there. I never left Croatia to find something “better”. I left because back then i didn’t have no choice.

What would i tell people who are planning to move away from home?

Do it.

But don’t expect to find a home somewhere else, yes moving away changes you, you meet new people from all around the world, you live your life completely differently. Moving away makes you grow, makes you independant, makes you appreciate home more but it builds you, it builds your character.

Would i go back in time and stay?

Yes i would, i would finish my school there, i would spend my teenage years there. But at some point i would have left, i am not made to be kept in one place.

 

 “Travel makes you realize that no matter how much you know there is always something new to learn”

 

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